a great reminder for all of us.
simple truths... the-empty-pickle-jar
Have a great day.
And
remember, the Wednesday Edition, where I will be posting another section from Dave's booklet on help for the loved ones of addicts and alcoholics.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Help for Loved Ones of Addicts and Alcoholics --- 1
After you have raised your child, doing the very best you can, after that child has begun to exercise their agency, what they decide is in their hands. It is their agency, their life.
After you have reasoned with them, pleaded with them, cried over them and constantly prayed for them, what are you going to do?
After you have helped them out of numerous jams, laid down the law, given them one more chance (again), had them sign contracts, paid their debts, bailed them out of jail, pulled whatever strings you have, bought them a car or two, paid their rent, yet they continue in the path of self-destructive behavior, what do you do next?
We, and countless other parents have tried all of the above, and even more, with the same outcome.
What to do next?
What follows is what we and many others have found to be the best solution.
Is it guaranteed to work? No. Is it a full proof plan? No. But it is your best hope. It will seem to fly in the face of all you have been taught about being a parent and about love. It will be difficult, extremely so. But I believe it offers the best chance your loved one will have to be able, with the Lord’s help, to defeat the demons which beset them.
I have no initials behind my name. My education comes from needing help and seeking that help. From learning what works and what doesn’t. Experience.
The hard truths come from addicts* in recovery. By their own admissions, addicts are liars, cheats, thieves, and manipulators. They are only concerned with themselves and the moment! Addiction has skewed their entire thinking patterns. In order to help them we must accept these initially unacceptable facts, and learn a new patterns of thinking ourselves.
While our ultimate hope is to heal our children, we must come to accept the fact that no matter how hard we try, we cannot do it. If it is to happen, they must do it themselves with the help of the Lord.
Hopefully this book will help each reader do what they can do —find acceptance and understanding and strength—to be able to offer this seemingly un-Christ-like “Help” to their suffering loved ones.
* When we use the words addicts and addiction we are referring to both drug addicts and alcoholics.
A Weighty Matter
I recently got on the scale and found that I weigh 200 lbs. According to the U.S. Department of Health I am more than 25 lbs. overweight. And it’s Gail’s fault. If she were not such a good cook I would not eat so much and consequently, I would not weigh so much.
Let’s face it, I have a terrible habit, I overeat. Someone help me, please. Take away my extra pounds. Take away my terrible habit. But better yet, let me keep my terrible habit but take away the consequence.
However, as much as I would like to blame Gail or anyone else, I can’t. It is my habit, so it is my consequence. Do I have to have a heart attack before I stop overeating? Maybe I will.
Who must solve this problem?
Why can’t you do it for me?
Until I take ownership/responsibility for my actions there will be no change in my behavior. As long as I try to push the responsibility off on someone else, I will do nothing about my problem. Or, as long as some else takes responsibility for my actions I will do nothing about it.
I guarantee you, as long as we do not let those we love realize the consequences of their behavior, the behavior will not change. No matter how much we want them to change it will not happen until they are held accountable for their actions.
We cheat our loved ones when we take away their agency/ accountability—the consequences of their actions, whether they be little children or teenagers or adults.
We cheat the Lord’s plan of agency when we do not let them experience the consequences of their action.
Alarmingly, Dr. Ray Johnson, PhD, clinical counselor and professor at North Texas State University states,
“The most prevalent form of child abuse in this country is the failure of parents to discipline their children.”
Even though we might think we are doing something good and noble for them, we are in fact doing them a terrible disservice. We are harming them, stunting their growth, both in this life and in eternity.
IT IS VITAL THAT WE REALIZE AND ACCEPT THE FACT THAT
WE DIDN’T CAUSE IT!
WE CAN’T CONTROL IT!
WE CAN’T CURE IT!
"tune in" next Wednesday for part 2: What do we know about agency? and Agency in the Garden of Eden
Friday, February 7, 2014
It is Important to Teach Your Children . . . the Attitude of Gratitude
When we received the annual thank you notes from some of our grandkids this past Christmas we noticed, while still short and to the point, they were more thoughtful than the usual “thanks for _________. I love it.”
We later learned they had written their notes following a family discussion on gratitude.
What a wonderful idea for a family discussion.
What an extremely important discussion, for all of us, in this era of entitlement.
With a little self-awareness we can teach gratitude by example.
Example is the most powerful form of teaching. It keeps anyone from claiming they can't hear what we are saying because what we are doing is overpowering what we are saying.
When I was a young teenager I made a notice for my bedroom. I'm not sure where I originally read it but I know it spoke to me and. . .
it hung there until I moved away.
From Entitlement to Thankful: Raising Children with an Attitude of Gratitude is an recent article by Dr. David Sack in the Parents section of the Huffington Post.
"It isn't until later in life that most people discover one of the keys to happiness: gratitude. The concept of thankfulness can be difficult for adults to embrace, and even harder for children and teens who believe the world revolves around them.
"There are so many valuable qualities we want to instill in our children -- why should we focus on gratitude? Grateful teens are not only more pleasant to be around, but according to one study, they are also less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol, be depressed and have behavioral problems at school.
"While some people may be blessed with a natural inclination toward thankfulness, for most of us gratitude is learned. By learning gratitude, children become sensitive to the feelings of others, developing their innate capacities for empathy and altruism, whereas entitled kids end up feeling perpetually disappointed."
Dr. Sack further states "Sometimes in our efforts to instill gratitude, we use approaches that look similar to gratitude but have unintended negative effects" which include Threats, Comparisons, Indebtedness, Flattery,and Manipulation. It is amazing ( and disconcerting and frightening) to discover what we often unintentionally do or say and the messages we are sending.
He follows with the recipe for Authentic Gratitude with ingredients including: Share the Gift of Giving, Teach Family Values, Start a Family Tradition, Assign Age-Appropriate Tasks, Serve Others, and Practice Mindfulness.
I highly suggest putting his article on your must read list. His recommendations are simple things that can/will make a world of difference.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-sack-md/gratitude_b_2277960.html
A few weeks ago I ran across another message that spoke to me. It is posted on the mirrors in our bathrooms as a constant reminder.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Help for Loved Ones of Addicts and Alcoholics -- the Beginning
 |
| inspired (and I choose that word on purpose) to give a talk in church on addiction as it relates to choice and consequence, or as we call it, agency and accountability. Following that meeting a number of people came up to us and shared, with sad relief that they too had a loved one with similar problems. They felt that they were alone in their dilemma. As we became involved with more families of addicts we have found a distressing number of families like ours. As Gail stated in last Friday's blog, that talk turned into a small booklet "The Best Help is No Help." On Wednesdays we will be sharing its contents along with the additional insights we continue to learn.Hopefully you will find things of value. |
1. A Weighty Matter
2. What Do You Know About Agency?
3. Agency in the Garden of Eden
4. Freedom Isn't Free
5. So What?
6. What Have We Learned So Far?
7. Hard Questions
8. And Hard Answers
9. No Respecter of Persons
10. Boundaries = Rules = Commandments
11. While Not Curable - Definitely Controllable (but not by us)
12. We're in This Together
13. The Learning Curve
14. The Dilemma
15. How is That?
16. Just This One More Time!
17. Facts From Fiction
18. In a Nut Shell
19. Onward
If you are one of the many in this situation, please "tune in" to
the Wednesday Edition.
And while we are simply Gail and Dave we also know life isn't always simple.
Friday, January 31, 2014
When The Best Help is NO HELP
For quite a while I have been giving serious thought to presenting, on my blog, the information from a small book my husband wrote because, in spite of all of our best efforts and prayers, things don’t always go the way we would have hoped. I would continue my regular posts on Fridays and add another day for this. Today I told Dave what I had in mind.
Was it a coincidence that he was sitting at that very moment at his computer (which is right next to my computer) reading a newspaper column by Carmen Rasmusen Herbert entitled “Don't worry; be a happy parent.” ?
http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865595056/Don’t-worry-be-a-happy-parent.html
We don’t believe in coincidence.
Carmen worries about being a good parent and she gives some of her concerns and conclusions. She also quotes from others. I’ll list a few highlights. Hopefully your interest will be piqued enough to check out her article and get “the rest of the story.”
I will print Carmen’s words in red and the others she quotes in different colors.
As I’ve sat and thought (and worried) about who and what is influencing my boys, I came across an interesting article from Forbes titled “7 Crippling Parenting Behaviors that Keep Children from Growing into Leaders.”
According to Forbes contributor Kathy Caprino, one of the behaviors to watch out for is "rescu(ing) too quickly."
Another hindering behavior, according to Caprino, is that "we rave too easily."
I heard this before I had kids and thought it was ridiculous. How is it possible to praise a child too much?
In his recent acceptance speech at the Golden Globes, actor Matthew McConaughey said his mother strongly encouraged adventure and hard work.
“If it was daylight, you had to be outside playing, and we’d go, ‘Why, mom?’ and she’d say, ‘Don’t watch somebody on TV do it for you, go out and do it for yourself.’ ” Because of her encouragement and support, McConaughey’s mother was a positive influence in her son’s life.
“Because we’re not the only influence on our kids, we must be the best influence,” Caprino writes.
The best influence. That's a lot of responsibility.
Dr. Tim Elmore, author of “Generation iY: Our Last Chance to Save Their Future,” “Artificial Maturity: Helping Kids Meet the Challenges of Becoming Authentic Adults” and “Habitudes,” shares:
“It’s important for parents to become exceedingly self-aware of their words and actions when interacting with their children, or with others when their children are nearby. Care enough to train them, not merely treat them to a good life. Coach them, more than coddle."
Part of taking the worrying out of living is the knowledge that you’re continually striving to do your best and teach correct principles by training and coaching and then allowing your kids to fall, fail and find themselves. That, I think, is the toughest, most crucial part.
Carmen’s article was the answer and perfect introduction to what I have felt the need to do.
This small booklet evolved from a talk Dave gave in Church in November 2006. It was not a traditional talk but apparently helped a lot of people realize they were “not alone.”
Two months later we printed six copies of the talk. Those initial copies developed into this booklet. It has been printed in small quantities (10-25) at a time, as requested, through only word of mouth “advertising.” We quit keeping track of the numbers in December 2010 after we passed the 500 mark, but now print 50 at a time.
We are saddened that such a need exists, but hopeful that it may be of some value in helping you through your trying times. We are very thankful for our son who was willing to let Dave tell the story, and then, it’s transformation into a book. He has even passed them out to others from the very beginning. We appreciate his willingness to do this and are proud of the decisions he is finally making.
“The Best Help is NO HELP” contains hard answers to hard questions about helping an addicted child or loved one.
I will begin posting from this book on Wednesdays, beginning February 5th,
Was it a coincidence that he was sitting at that very moment at his computer (which is right next to my computer) reading a newspaper column by Carmen Rasmusen Herbert entitled “Don't worry; be a happy parent.” ?
http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865595056/Don’t-worry-be-a-happy-parent.html
We don’t believe in coincidence.
Carmen worries about being a good parent and she gives some of her concerns and conclusions. She also quotes from others. I’ll list a few highlights. Hopefully your interest will be piqued enough to check out her article and get “the rest of the story.”
I will print Carmen’s words in red and the others she quotes in different colors.
As I’ve sat and thought (and worried) about who and what is influencing my boys, I came across an interesting article from Forbes titled “7 Crippling Parenting Behaviors that Keep Children from Growing into Leaders.”
According to Forbes contributor Kathy Caprino, one of the behaviors to watch out for is "rescu(ing) too quickly."
Another hindering behavior, according to Caprino, is that "we rave too easily."
I heard this before I had kids and thought it was ridiculous. How is it possible to praise a child too much?
In his recent acceptance speech at the Golden Globes, actor Matthew McConaughey said his mother strongly encouraged adventure and hard work.
“If it was daylight, you had to be outside playing, and we’d go, ‘Why, mom?’ and she’d say, ‘Don’t watch somebody on TV do it for you, go out and do it for yourself.’ ” Because of her encouragement and support, McConaughey’s mother was a positive influence in her son’s life.
“Because we’re not the only influence on our kids, we must be the best influence,” Caprino writes.
The best influence. That's a lot of responsibility.
Dr. Tim Elmore, author of “Generation iY: Our Last Chance to Save Their Future,” “Artificial Maturity: Helping Kids Meet the Challenges of Becoming Authentic Adults” and “Habitudes,” shares:
“It’s important for parents to become exceedingly self-aware of their words and actions when interacting with their children, or with others when their children are nearby. Care enough to train them, not merely treat them to a good life. Coach them, more than coddle."
Part of taking the worrying out of living is the knowledge that you’re continually striving to do your best and teach correct principles by training and coaching and then allowing your kids to fall, fail and find themselves. That, I think, is the toughest, most crucial part.
Carmen’s article was the answer and perfect introduction to what I have felt the need to do.
This small booklet evolved from a talk Dave gave in Church in November 2006. It was not a traditional talk but apparently helped a lot of people realize they were “not alone.”
Two months later we printed six copies of the talk. Those initial copies developed into this booklet. It has been printed in small quantities (10-25) at a time, as requested, through only word of mouth “advertising.” We quit keeping track of the numbers in December 2010 after we passed the 500 mark, but now print 50 at a time.
We are saddened that such a need exists, but hopeful that it may be of some value in helping you through your trying times. We are very thankful for our son who was willing to let Dave tell the story, and then, it’s transformation into a book. He has even passed them out to others from the very beginning. We appreciate his willingness to do this and are proud of the decisions he is finally making.
“The Best Help is NO HELP” contains hard answers to hard questions about helping an addicted child or loved one.
I will begin posting from this book on Wednesdays, beginning February 5th,
Simple and Scrumptous Meringue Cookies
Dave's Mom Jennie was famous for her "white cookies" ---- not only among family members, but in her neighborhood. They were also a frequently sought after confection for the wedding receptions of friends' children.
It amazes me how I could have, over the years, forgotten something so yummy and so simple. I remembered them this past week when we were attending a get-together where some of the attendees were on gluten-free diets. They were a hit!!!!
Along with my three- ingredient peanut butter quickies, they top the charts for ease.
The ingredients:
3 egg whites, 3/4 cup white sugar, 1 teaspoon vanilla and one heaping cup chocolate chips.
The directions: Turn the oven on to 350 degrees. Cover a large cookie sheet with parchment paper or aluminum foil and set aside.
Using an electric mixer, beat the egg whites until soft peaks form. Add the sugar, about one-third at a time, beating well after each addition. Continue beating until stiff peaks form.
Fold in the vanilla and chocolate chips. Drop by teaspoon "fulls" onto prepared pan. They do not spread so you can space them close together.
Turn Oven OFF. and immediately place cookie sheet on the middle rack of oven. Leave them (without opening the oven door) for at least 45 minutes. They should be dry to the touch (unless you live where it is humid -- they will be chewy rather than "crunchy" but still good).
Let cool completely before removing from pan. Makes about 36.
Just because I thought it was simple enough that even I could do it, I figured out the calorie count. If I am correct it is 17-1/2 calories per cookie. That makes them even better!
Hints and Helps:
This was the first time I have made them with a stand mixer. I couldn't imagine a 6-quart bowl would do anything with only 3 egg whites but boy, was I wrong! The whisk whipped them up in no time and then on low, folded in the flavoring and chips! It was a breeze.
Make sure your utensils are completely free from any grease or oil residue because even a teeny bit will keep the whites from peaking.
The same is true if even a teeny bit of egg yolk is in with the whites.*
You can vary the flavorings and flavors of chips. We also love orange and mint. Other ingredients can be added if desired. Tinting the beaten whites with a couple of drops of regular food coloring is also great. It is fun to experiment.
* I was sure I shared this trick on my blog before but I couldn't locate it so I went Google-searching again. There are several sites explaining/demonstrating this method but this is the first one I came across. It is worth watching. Even though most of us won't understand a word she is saying, the video "says" it all. I, along with several others now have a designated "squeezable" egg separator bottle.
http://www.thekitchn.com/the-best-trick-weve-seen-to-separate-eggs-video-176095
'til we eat again,
I am Simply, Gail
P.S. The 3-ingredient peanut butter quickie cookie is listed in the cookbook on the right side of the blog, under what else . . . cookie: peanut butter quickie
It amazes me how I could have, over the years, forgotten something so yummy and so simple. I remembered them this past week when we were attending a get-together where some of the attendees were on gluten-free diets. They were a hit!!!!
 |
| Puffs of chip-filled meringues are heavenly |
Along with my three- ingredient peanut butter quickies, they top the charts for ease.
The ingredients:
3 egg whites, 3/4 cup white sugar, 1 teaspoon vanilla and one heaping cup chocolate chips.
The directions: Turn the oven on to 350 degrees. Cover a large cookie sheet with parchment paper or aluminum foil and set aside.
Using an electric mixer, beat the egg whites until soft peaks form. Add the sugar, about one-third at a time, beating well after each addition. Continue beating until stiff peaks form.
Fold in the vanilla and chocolate chips. Drop by teaspoon "fulls" onto prepared pan. They do not spread so you can space them close together.
Turn Oven OFF. and immediately place cookie sheet on the middle rack of oven. Leave them (without opening the oven door) for at least 45 minutes. They should be dry to the touch (unless you live where it is humid -- they will be chewy rather than "crunchy" but still good).
Let cool completely before removing from pan. Makes about 36.
Just because I thought it was simple enough that even I could do it, I figured out the calorie count. If I am correct it is 17-1/2 calories per cookie. That makes them even better!
Hints and Helps:
This was the first time I have made them with a stand mixer. I couldn't imagine a 6-quart bowl would do anything with only 3 egg whites but boy, was I wrong! The whisk whipped them up in no time and then on low, folded in the flavoring and chips! It was a breeze.
Make sure your utensils are completely free from any grease or oil residue because even a teeny bit will keep the whites from peaking.
The same is true if even a teeny bit of egg yolk is in with the whites.*
You can vary the flavorings and flavors of chips. We also love orange and mint. Other ingredients can be added if desired. Tinting the beaten whites with a couple of drops of regular food coloring is also great. It is fun to experiment.
* I was sure I shared this trick on my blog before but I couldn't locate it so I went Google-searching again. There are several sites explaining/demonstrating this method but this is the first one I came across. It is worth watching. Even though most of us won't understand a word she is saying, the video "says" it all. I, along with several others now have a designated "squeezable" egg separator bottle.
http://www.thekitchn.com/the-best-trick-weve-seen-to-separate-eggs-video-176095
'til we eat again,
I am Simply, Gail
P.S. The 3-ingredient peanut butter quickie cookie is listed in the cookbook on the right side of the blog, under what else . . . cookie: peanut butter quickie
Saturday, January 25, 2014
What If . . .? Did you Know Seemingly Harmless Batteries . . .
 |
| Could Be the Culprit in a House Fire? |
I didn't !
Until I received two e-mails this past week --- both warning us of the danger of storing batteries, even used batteries, haphazardly.
Have you ever stored out-of-package batteries in a junk drawer or sack?
I have!
We shouldn't!
The following is the e-mail I received with the sender's comments, followed by the link telling how battery fires start and how to prevent them.
This applies to all batteries you dispose of; and you always need to be aware of loose ones coming into contact with anything conductive. I always wrap the terminals of any “dead” batteries before disposing of them.35 years in various generating stations and locomotive design/maintenance gave me a very healthy respect for fires.
I watched!
Hopefully you did also!!!
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