a "been-there" mom of six offers encouragement
to wives, young mothers, and those not so young,
and simple common-sense approaches to
the "ings" of life:
child-rearing (hints and helps), homemaking (all areas),
cooking (simple, cheap, and do-it-yourself)
making (toys and gifts), preparing (for the unexpected),
maintaining (sanity and peace in this increasingly crazy world) and more---
all aspects of making the most of making do on little---
and having fun in the process.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Help for the Loved Ones of Addicts and Alcoholics - 11

Onward. . .

Heavenly Father is in charge! 

He loves us! 

His plan is one of perfection. 

His perfect Son gave His life that we might live. He paid a tremendous price to allow us to have our agency.

The Gospel is true.

There is a perfectly laid out Plan of Salvation. And a road map to lead us successfully back to their presence when our earthly probation is through.

    Just as we have our agency to choose our path we must allow      our loved ones their agency to choose their path.

We know from the Lord's relationship with His chosen people that eventually, when they have repented and paid the price for their disobedience the Lord will then open his arms and receive them back. 

It is my hope that you will carefully consider the messages that are here---that for those with addictions the seemingly contradictory best help is no help. 

And, I hope that I have helped you understand and cherish the gift of agency. 

It is my prayer that you allow our Savior to help lighten your heavy heart as He has promised in the following Scriptures.

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

Matthew 11:28-30
28 Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

"The eternal sealings of faithful parents and the divine promises made to them for valiant service in the Cause of Truth will save not
only themselves, but likewise their posterity. 

Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is upon them. . . reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to come, they will return.

They will have to pay their debt to justice; they will suffer for their sins; and may tread a thorny path; but if it leads them at last, like the penitent Prodigal, to a loving and forgiving father's heart and home, the painful experience will not have been in vain.

Pray for your careless and disobedient children; hold on to them with your faith. 

Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God."
               Joseph Smith
                       First latter-day Prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

This is the end of the book ---- but not the end of the story.

Stay "tuned" for the wrap-up, follow-up, and up-date that will be coming next week.

I sincerely hope that what I have offered is what you have needed. 

If you would like to make a comment or suggestion we would love to hear from you.  So they are not sent to spam, please e-mail to davengail@infowest.com with the subject line  Yellow Book Comment
If you have questions, or would like to know more about the LDS church please go to Mormon.org. 

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Help for Loved Ones of Addicts and Alcoholics - 10

I know I have repeated the same material over and over and over but at least you were warned at the very beginning.  

I hope that through this repetition I have been able to help you see that we are each accountable for our actions and our loved ones must be accountable for theirs.

Let's go through it . . .

One more time!

1. Our job is not to be our children's friends, we are their parents. The friendship part comes later as they grow and mature.

2. Boundaries, rules, responsibility, obedience and commandments are not bad words, and they need to be enforced and reinforced on a regular basis. And not only for problem kids. This is the way our children, from a very young age begin to learn to make decisions.

They need to learn to make good decisions. They need to learn to be responsible. And they need to continue to be taught about choices and the results of those choices --- agency and accountability. This is the best way to help keep them from becoming "problem kids."

3. We are doing our loved ones, young and old, a terrible disservice when we take from them their accountability --- the consequences of their actions.

What lesson are we teaching our children if we do not let them be accountable for the things they do, the choices they choose?

4. When we remove any part of agency, including accountability, we are endorsing Satan's plan of taking from us our agency.

5. Adversity is a necessity. We shouldn't try to take it away from our family. Life is about making mistakes and learning from them. We must learn from our mistakes and let our loved ones learn from theirs.

6. Sometimes, even when it is not their fault they need to fix it; work it out for themselves. To get through the adversity; to grow from the experience. We deprive them when we fix it for them. 

7. We know that the most important responsibility we can have is to raise our children in the way of the Lord. And again, when they go astray our natural tendency is to blame ourselves. Where did we go wrong? we ask. What could we have done differently? None of us are perfect and we have all made mistakes, but if we have taught them the best we could we have done all we can.

It may seem contrary to our responsibility when I say we must not help them. But, again, if we have done our job in teaching them as we've raised them, then we have done our job. Now it is up to them to use that agency they have been given by our Heavenly Father, and then be accountable for their actions. Then, the decisions they make are their own, they are not ours.

8. Agency/accountability have not ceased to be a factor in the Lord's eternal plan. 

Life is about choices and consequences. God's plan of happiness is about choices and consequences.

9. We are living in a society that makes no demands and expects no accountability. In the same family some children choose well and some choose evil. We came to this earth with our agency.

10. We have the power to teach correct principles but we do not have the power to redeem our children from their poor choices.  

No matter how much we'd like to we cannot save people from themselves!

Tomorrow we will move Onward with Hope. 

Please hang in there with us.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Help for the Loved Ones of Addicts and Alcoholics - 9

Are you old enough to remember the television show Dragnet?

Sgt. Joe Friday always said "Just the Facts (sir or ma'am)"
when asking for the information
Here are Two Facts

We are living in a society that makes no demands and expects no accountability. Enabling generates a feeling of entitlement which evolves into expectations and demands.

Until they are made to do it for themselves addicts/alcoholics will not do it for themselves!

If we don't enable them, if we do not remove their accountability, does it mean we love them any less? 


The opposite is true.

We do not help them because we DO love them!

They won't see this at the time, but at some future time they will understand.

Young adult children and teenagers are responsible for their decisions and the consequences. It is difficult for us, the parents or in some cases the spouse, to let the consequences take effect. We want to step up and make it easier on our child or spouse, hoping that they have learned their lesson and are ready to turn their life around. Overwhelming statistics tell us that this isn't going to happen. Until they are held accountable for their decisions they will continue on the same path.

But What If We Feel . . .

1. Those of us who have been taught that our families are our most important responsibility, feel we are abdicating that responsibility when we seemingly turn our back on our child in need.

I suggest we are performing a greater disservice when we take away their agency by removing the consequence for their actions.

2. We as parents have a tendency to blame ourselves for the actions of our children. Wrong! If we have done our job as a parent, if we have taught our kids right from wrong, if we have done our best to teach them the right way --- then we have done our job.

Our children have, and must be permitted to use their agency. We are essentially taking on Satan's plan when we remove any part of the agency process.

These are "just the facts."