Combating the War Against the Family Part 4 continued

Applying Consequences --- Teenagers!

If you think dealing with teenagers is a whole different ballgame, it really isn't----- 
or doesn't have to be, if you take the time to establish clear ground rules and follow through with clear consequences.

If you haven't read last Tuesday's post, please take the time to read it first as the basics are all there and are basically the same for all ages.

http://thecreativecheapskate.blogspot.com/2012/11/combating-war-against-familypart-4.html

If you want responsible children you need to give them responsibilities. Part of giving them responsibility is they have to make choices. If you give them responsibilities and they do not make the correct choices to follow through, you must be prepared to follow through with consequences.  This is how we all learn.

It is important to recognize the difference between discipline and punishment:

• Discipline helps a child learn
• Punishment helps a parent who is mad or has been hurt to feel better

When dealing with any child at any age it is important to remember that you are the parent, not a peer or friend.  This does not mean you should be a dictator. Parents should be loving, respectful, and fair, not vindictive or judgmental. 

When implementing consequences, parents should focus on 

• being in control of their own behavior rather than on controlling their child
• telling the child what they, the parents, are going to do, not what the child will do (which is beyond their control
• being consistent

Examples:

"Watching television (or playing a video game) is a privilege that is earned by being responsible. If you do not do your chores (or finish your homework, etc) you are not being responsible so you lose that privilege."

"Use of the family car is a privilege that we give to family members who get their jobs done. If yo choose not to do your chores, the family car will not be available to you."

We were quite strict with our children (maybe even too strict) and the three boys in a family they were best friends with had parents that were very lenient.  While totally different in our parenting methods, we were each consistent.  Their children and our children knew "what to expect" when discipline was necessary.  On the other hand, with another friend's parents there was no consistency. John never knew from one time to the next how his behavior would be handled by his parents.  This left John in a constant state of uncertainty and confusion. 

Some of the most effective steps in setting up rules and establishing consequences is to have the family together to discuss them.  Isn't everyone more willing to comply when they understand the rules and even more so if they help establish them?

It is vitally important for parents to be in agreement.  If something comes up where the parents are not immediately "on the same page" they, the parents, need to take a time out to discuss the matter and hopefully come to full agreement, before they hand down their decision to the child. 

Examples:

Chad was a fun-loving, headstrong, impulsive child. While his  parents taught him about, and respect for, family and societal rules, he had trouble adhering to them.  

The family lived in the country, a long way from town and Chad loved to make those trips with his family. Returning home after one of the outings his mother discovered some playing cards and three pens and asked 9-year-old Chad about them.Chad admitted that he had stolen them. 

The mother and father privately discussed the situation and agreed on the following:

• Chad's father took Chard and the merchandise back to the store  with the understanding that Chad would tell the store manager what he had done, return the merchandise, apologize for his actions and accept whatever consequences the manager would require.
• The manager listened intently and thanked him for returning the merchandise and admitting what he did. He said he hoped Chad had learned a valuable lesson but took no further action.

• For the next two weeks, Chad's parents left him at home whenever they went to town, asking him to think about what he had done and assuring him they would take him to town again, allowing him further opportunity to show that he could obey.

Many other infractions came over the years, such as fighting with siblings, experimenting with tobacco and alcohol, violating curfew, and skipping school. In each instance, Chad's parents imposed logical consequences to help him learn from his misconduct. Finally, after time, Chad began to follow the rules.

Over the years, on several occasions Chad thanked his parents for the discipline they provided; discipline that helped him become a responsible, law-abiding adult and good parent.

                                                                                            from Strengthening the Family

Parents need to make sure family rules are clear and that rewards and punishments are consistent and prompt. Teenagers will question many things they formerly accepted.  In discussing curfew you may want to explain that a midnight curfew on Friday’s is based upon parental knowledge and judgment, not upon opposition to dating or social enjoyment. It is important, and very helpful to all involved, to have these rules in place before a situation arises where they are needed. But if that didn’t happen, it is never too late.

Karen was asked to go on a double date on a Friday night, 50 miles from home. The dance ends at 11:30 so the teenagers cannot get home by midnight, Karen’s usual curfew, unless they leave early. Karen is frustrated and the following lively family discussion takes place.

Karen: You don’t trust me. I go to church. I don't smoke or drink or do drugs. I get good grades in school. I do what you want all the time. Now, when I want to do something you won’t let me!

Mother: You are a fine person and we are proud of you. We trust you enough to let you go so far away on a date. The problem is the curfew. Didn’t we all agree in family council that midnight was fair for weekends?

Karen (grudgingly): Yes, but this is special. I have earned it.

Father: You have earned many things and we appreciate your efforts. But you are arguing about something different. It is your safety we are concerned about.

Karen: Dan is a safe drive. You’ve never objected to his ‘safety’ before.

Father: It is the other drivers we worry about. Late on Friday night there are many drivers who are on drugs, or are drunk. It is them we fear. They could harm you.

Karen (sarcastically): Anytime I go out there is danger. Why don’t you just ground me from all fun?

Karen’s tone hurts her parents, but they weigh her usual cooperation against the emotions of the moment and do not become upset. 

Mother: Karen, I can understand your disappointment. It is too bad there are ugly things in this world.

Hoping that her mother’s obvious sympathy is a breakthrough, Karen asks Just this once, please? Responding for both, since Karen’s parents have previously discussed this privately, the father replies.

Father: There is too much risk, especially on that narrow road. We love you too much. We will take the chance of agreeing to the date as long as you are home by midnight.

Karen(a little calmer now) Isn’t there some way?

Mother: Your father and I are in agreement. You agreed in family council to this rule.

Father (with humor): Karen, you are in a tough spot. We’ve been through this with your older brothers and sister. We’ve had a lot of practice discussing this kind of thing.  (Then, turning serious) We love you too much to change this family rule.

Karen leaves the room unhappy but with her self-respect intact. Even in her frustration she cannot deny that her parents care. She cannot ignore the fact that she had previously full discussed and agreed to the curfew rule in a pleasant, calm family council. Remember to be honest and objective in your parent-child discussion and hold your children responsible for rules they have already agreed upon. 
                                                                                           from Strengthening the Family 

Unfortunately, it is a fact, no matter what we do our children don't always respond like the two examples above. At least not immediately. When a person chooses to disregard the rules the very best help we can give them is to let them be responsible for their actions---to let them be accountable.

"Lance, a young adult living at home, was doing just about everything wrong. He lied, stole, cheated, and used drugs and alcohol. He was unchaste and seemed completely indifferent to how his actions affected his parents and other family members. His mother and father had tried everything they could think of to help him. For several years they had been patient and forgiving. Next, they convinced him to see a profession counselor, but after a session or two he refused to go back. He would not meet with his church leader. Finally, Lance was arrested.

The phone rang at Lance's home, and his mother answered. "Hi, Mom. this is Lance. I'm in jail, and they won't let me out until you come and get me. Please hurry!"

Lance's mother was shocked, even panicked, but didn't say anything. Lance pleaded again, "Mom, please hurry! This is not a nice place!"

She didn't say anything for a long time, then quietly asked, "Lance, are you guilty of the charges?"

"Well, Mom, I really wasn't as involved as the police say I was."

"Lance, are you guilty?"

"Well, Mom, I guess I am."

Then, with all the courage she could muster, she replied, "I'm sorry that you are. I guess you will have to work through this by yourself. Call me when you get it all worked out." She hung up the phone and fell apart.

Two very long days passed. Finally, Lance called and his parents went to the police station to pick him up. A few more days passed and the phone rang again. Lance's mother answered, and this time it was a attorney.

"Hello. I am Mark Johnson. I helped Lance with his legal problems while he was in custody. I just wanted to speak with you to see how you wanted to work out my compensation for helping Lance get out of jail."

At first Lance's mother was troubled. Finances were tight and the call took her by surprise. She paused a moment, then said, "Mr. Johnson, I appreciate what you did to help Lance, but you are talking to the wrong person. I did not hire you. You did not help me, you helped Lance. If you want compensation for your efforts, I think you ought to talk to Lance."

Some time later, Lance came to his parents asking for help to pay his legal bill but the help did not come. Lance had to go back to the attorney and work out a pay-back plan. After many months of payments, Lance paid his attorney in full.

Lance will tell you today that the actions of his very brave and very frightened mother helped him turn his life around.

excerpted from an article in the Ensign magazine and included in The Best Help is No Help written by my husband

Parenting is the most expensive - in time, money and effort -- activity in the world. It will do more to take your energy away than anything. Why? Because it is the most important and the most rewarding.

Perhaps you've made many mistakes or for years have done the wrong things, but the very next breath you take, the very next word you say, the very next step you take can be in a different direction than the ones you took previously.

• Do not give on on each other. 
• Do not give up on yourselves. 
• Do not give up on your child. 

                                                                                                    from Family Answers DVD

Give Your Kids a Priceless Weekly Gift

OR . . .

How to have an "only" child

When you have several children it is difficult, and often seems impossible, to find time to spend with each child individually. Yet we felt this one-on-one attention was extremely important and looked for various ways to accomplish it.

We came up with simple ways to recognize each child on special occasions and I'll post those another day.
But, for on-going "only" child time we settled on. . .

Night's Up!  

During the week (Monday through Thursday) each child had an assigned day where they stayed up one-half hour later than usual, spending time with either both parents or mom or dad (usually their choice). When they were all young, this was time after the others had gone to bed. As they grew up the older ones would read, bathe, or do their own thing while a younger brother had his night up. When we had more than four kids, the ages were such that we could have the time with the younger one --- and then the older one would reappear for their turn. Occasionally, because of an activity or because of a meeting or other adult commitment, only one parent spent time with the night-upper but usually it was both of us.

During this time we played or did whatever that particular child wanted to do on that particular night. We have played many games, innumerable times, sometimes over and over and over. (I do not like Chutes and Ladders---you are finally almost finished and BAM!, back to the bottom to start over! Naturally, and probably for the very same reason but with different motives, they loved it!)

We crawled around the floor playing with Fisher Price farms and garages and castles and hid tiny green toy soldiers behind books and chair legs. We colored, we painted, we played with clay and silly putty. We read and we played Atari. Heidi learned the basics of putting on make up and fixing hair when she selected that activity. She usually wanted to be the beautifier and I was always the willing model. All I had to do was sit!

I can't say that we, Dave and I, always loved what we did during this time. Often we didn't even like it. But that was of no importance. Being and doing with one child, all by them self, was what was important. Parenting requires a great amount of time, quite often when you honestly would prefer doing something else. 

                     

           

Our children really looked forward to their night of the week. We tried very hard to not let anything interfere with those times. We knew it was meaningful for them when they wanted to continue it well into their teens, until they got so busy with school activities and jobs that it was no longer possible.

We learned just how important years ago when we came home to find the following on our answering machine. We are guessing that our then 22 year-old son called when he knew we wouldn't be home. We are not a real demonstrative family and this was an easier way for him to say what he wanted to say:
"Thanks you for night's up, soccer games, (teaching us) tithing and missionary savings, helping us clean the club, alligator bread with chocolate chip eyes.     I love you guys."

We couldn't have received a more meaningful gift!

 I am Simply Gail and over the past 50 years I have learned that little things really do mean a lot.

Combating the War Against the Family...Part 4

Applying Consequences ---The Importance Of, and the How-To of --- beginning with: 

when dealing with toddlers and children

              Note: This post is part of an ongoing series on the war that is being waged against families and family values--- and what we can do to strengthen and protect ours. I teach a Sunday School class on strengthening the family and parenting skills.  The lesson manual is terrific, the points "right on" and the suggestions doable. I am including, in my blog some of  the information from that class.                                                                                                                                                  

Beginning at a very young age, children learn as they make everyday choices and experience the consequences of their choices.Parents can apply consequences in ways that help their children learn responsible behavior.

Interestingly, studies have found that parents who have more financially, often have a more difficult time saying no to the demands of over-indulged children. Children of these parents run the risk of not learning important values like hard work, delayed gratification, honesty and compassion.

The actions of many parents actually encourage their children to be self-centered and irresponsible when they attempt to bolster their children's self-esteem by telling them how terrific they are without requiring anything substantive from them.  Unmerited praise often results in lazy, demanding, disrespectful, undisciplined children and teenagers. Permissive parents require very little of their children, providing few or no consequences for disobedience or failure to perform.

While it requires their time, responsible parents provide guidance, rules, and discipline within the context of love and caring. In the homes of such parents, rules make sense, and consequences are logically connected to the misbehavior. Children in this type of environment learn from their mistakes and feel that consequences are fair --- even if they don't always like them.

Recognize and Acknowledge Appropriate Behavior

Consider this: Children tend to repeat behaviors that draw their parent's attention.  Do we tend to pay more attention to our children when they are behaving or misbehaving? Is our answer "sad, but true" to misbehaving? When parents mainly respond to negative things, no one should be surprised when the children misbehave.

Parents can reinforce desirable behavior by showing interest in what their children do and by interacting with them in a positive way, such as  smiling, expressing specific gratitude, or giving a pat on the back.

This: " I appreciate when you help me clean the kitchen. I enjoy the time together, and the work gets done much more quickly. 

Or This: "I appreciate you" or "You're such a good child." 

See the difference? Generalities may come across insincere or even manipulative.

Allow Children to Experience Appropriate . . . 
NATURAL CONSEQUENCES

Natural consequences are consequences that automatically follow actions---
What is the usual result when a child doesn't study for a test?

Individuals learn quickly from natural consequences because the consequences occur in spite of protests or arguments against them.  If parents protect their children from natural consequences they deprive the children of valuable lessons. 

Important Note: Natural consequences may harm children who are too young to understand them. For example a toddler must be protected from touching a hot stove or walking alone by a stream of water or playing in a busy street.

However, parents can allow a younger child to experience minor natural consequences ---like breaking a toy by defiantly banging it against the sidewalk or ruining a marker by refusing to put the lid on it, causing it to dry out.  In such cases, young children can learn best from consequences if they have been taught the rules and understand the natural consequences that will occur as a result of  breaking the rules.

Applying LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES

Logical consequences are imposed by parents in a way that is logically connected to the child's behavior. For example, a child who acts up during dinner may be asked to leave the table until he or she is willing to eat quietly.

Logical consequences work best when they: 

• make sense to the child
• indicate respect for the child
• require the child to pay a price

Example: A child is often late for dinner, so the parents put the food away and tell the child the next meal will be served in the morning. This consequence makes sense to the child as it is directly connected to the misbehavior and requires the child to pay the price by  missing a meal for being late for dinner. Although the child will probably not like the consequence, the consequence is respectful if it is firmly applied by loving parents who are not vindictive and judgmental. 

It is important that each consequence represents what one should expect for committing the infraction.

Using LESS LOGICAL Consequences

Some consequences may seem less logical but the key here is the consequence has to do with work and privileges.  Example:
Watching television is a privilege that is earned by being responsible. If the child has not done their work, they are not being responsible and they lose a privilege --- in this case watching television.

Again --- It is important that each consequence represents what one should expect for committing the infraction.

Parents should impose consequences in a firm and friendly manner --- not in anger --- or the consequences will invite resentment.

IMPORTANT THINGS TO CONSIDER . . .
AND REMEMBER

• When implementing consequences, parents should focus on being in control of their own behavior rather than on controlling their child.  

• Parents should tell the child what the parents are going to do, not what the child will do.  Do you see the difference?

CAN YOU HELP YOUR CHILD HAVE INPUT IN SOLVING THE PROBLEM?

Before imposing a consequence, it is often wise to discuss the problem with the child, asking how he or she is going to correct the problem. This question is important because it allows the child to take responsibility for solving the problem. Children are more likely to improve their behavior when they felt identify the course of action they should take.

LET THE CONSEQUENCES DO THE TEACHING

• When parents apply consequences, children sometimes react with anger and want to argue. The best learning occurs when parents say little but follow through.

• If the connection between the infraction and the consequence is clear, the child is more likely to  feel responsible and learn from the experience. 

• If the parents impose a consequence and then argue about it with the child, the child will focus on winning the argument and will lost sight of the reason for the consequence.

• Yelling and moralizing usually won't work but will provoke resentment in the child. 

Again, let the consequences do the teaching. 

Example:

Mother: It’s time to get the room picked up. We have some friends coming over in a few minutes.

Child: I don’t want to. I want to watch cartoons.

Father (calmly): You can pick up the toys now, or I will pick them up. If I pick them up, you won’t see them again unless you do some extra work to earn them back. Which do you choose?

Child: You pick them up.

The father calmly picks up the toys and puts them in a bag, and places the bag in storage. The following day:

Child: Where are my toys?

Father: I put them away.

Child: I want to play with them.

Father: You remember yesterday when we asked you to pick them up and you didn’t want to? Well, they’re gone just like I said.

Child: Well, I want them back. I want to play with them.

Mother (respectfully): I’m sure you do. They are your favorite toys.

Child: I want them back. Give them to me.

Mother (with empathy): We can see you feel really bad. (Pauses, as if considering what to do.) Maybe we can think of some jobs you can do to earn them back. Would you like that?

Child (yells in anger): I don’t want to earn them back. Give them to me right now!

Father: I’ll tell you what, when you can talk calmly, without yelling or getting angry, we’ll see if we can find a way for you to earn them back. But right now we have some other things we need to do.

The parents walk off. An hour later the son approaches his father and arranges to do some extra chores to earn back his toys. In the days that follow, he willingly complies when asked to pick up after himself.

This scenario illustrates the many benefits of imposing logical consequences:

• The child learns that his parents mean what they say.
• The child experiences the consequences of irresponsible behavior.
• The consequences teach the message that the child has to be responsible if he wants to enjoy privileges such as playing with toys.
• By remaining calm, the parents teach that problems are worked out peacefully and cooperatively instead of through manipulative displays of temper.
• The parent's calmness keeps the focus on the inappropriateness of the child's behavior. A scolding or an argument would have drawn attention to the parents.

Consider this:  While it will take more time for you, as parents, to put these concepts into practice in the short run, think of the  long run --- imagine the peace and tranquility that will follow.

Even very young children are smart --- they will catch on fast when you learn to patiently and lovingly hold your ground.

A personal example: As I have mentioned before, our first two children share the same birthday --- one year apart!  Heidi had been going to bed peacefully and sleeping through the night for over nine months before Romm arrived.  Very shortly after his birth, she started crying when we put her to bed and kept it up until we let her get up. We were going crazy.  Our pediatrician recommended we put her to bed as usual and then let her howl. He said we couldn't even open the door for a peek, as that would indicate to her that "she won." 

We tried it and it was horrible that first night when she

 cried for 1-1/2 hours straight (and I cried most of that time myself!)  The next night she cried for one-half hour. Beginning the third night she was back to her pre-brother routine.  

Part 5 will address The Importance Of, and the How-To of Applying Consequences when dealing with older children and teenagers

Jack Frosted Our Green Tomatoes!

So what to do with gobs of little green tomatoes? 

Exactly what every modern woman does . . .

(and if you are reading this post --- you are a modern woman!)

thanks to
http://www.wpclipart.com/food/fruit/tomato/green_tomatoes_picture.jpg
for this perfect-for-my-blog-topic photo

Search the internet!!!

And, pardon the pun, it was a very fruitful search.  Yes, a tomato is a fruit even though we consider it a vegetable.

I discovered recipes for:  

• Green Tomato Pie, which they claim tastes just like apple
• Fried Green Tomato Pie which a tomato-hater loved anytime--       breakfast, lunch and dinner!
• Un-fried Green Tomatoes for the health-conscious
• Green Tomato Oatmeal Bars whose claim to fame is they taste like fig bars
• Curried Green Tomato Sauce that, while not tasting like chicken, is great with chicken
• and
• Green Tomato Salsa Verde 

and finally decided to try the first recipe I came across . . .

Green Tomato Bread

3 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups sugar
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon cinnamon
2 large eggs, lightly beaten
3/4 cup vegetable oil
1/4 cup water
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 cups finely chopped green tomatoes* 
1-1/2 chopped pecans or walnuts, if desired

* green tomatoes are firm so all you need to do  is wash them, slice off the stem end, slice them and chop them up. I used my small food processor to do the chopping part.

Thoroughly combine the dry ingredients in large bowl. Make a well in center. In small bowl, beat the eggs lightly with a fork and stir in the oil, water and vanilla. Pour into the well in the dry ingredients and stir just until moistened. Fold in the tomatoes and nuts.

Spoon batter into  2 greased and floured 8-1/2 x 4-1/2 inch loaf pans. Bake in preheated 350 degree oven for 45 minutes to one hour --- the bread will have pulled away from edges of pan and if you poke a toothpick in the center it will come out clean. Cool bread in pans on wire rack for 10 minutes, then remove and cool completely on the wire rack.

It is really good!and tastes similar to zucchini bread.  The fun part is the bright green little chunks.  One person wrote that  she took a loaf to work and everyone loved it but no one could guess the "secret" ingredient.

'til we eat again,
         Simply, Gail

Combating the War Against the Family . . . Part 3

How Do We Teach our Children Responsible Behavior 

                         Note: This post is part of an ongoing series on the war that is being waged against families and
                                  family values---and what we can do to strengthen and protect ours.I teach a Sunday
                                  School class on strengthening the family and parenting skills. The lesson manual is
                                  terrific, the points "right on" and the suggestions doable. Each week, usually Fridays,          
                                  I am including some of the information from that class. 

Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6 

"If you want responsible 
children give them 
responsibilities and part 
of the responsibility is 
they have to make the choice. . ."
        from Family Answers DVD


It is not hard to be an example --the most important thing is to be a GOOD example!

There have been many "scientific" teaching methods put forth through the years but the one important, consistent, no-fail method is to teach as Jesus Christ taught.  Our Lord and Savior taught by example. He taught ---

• forgiveness by forgiving
• compassion by being compassionate and 
• devotion by giving of Himself.

Parents cannot be hypocrites. Our children will remember our examples more than anything else we do or say.

Many parents are afraid to ask their children to do chores or make behavior changes, fearing the child will say no or resent or reject them for asking. Many parents don't have the courage to be "in control."  (which is different than "controlling.")

Consider this: Fear of being disliked should not be a problem for parents. The parent's responsibility is to be just that ---  the parent --- not a friend or peer. 

Children are constantly learning and little children want to help.  We must take the time to show them how and to let them, even when we know it will take more time. 

We must also make sure we are very clear in our directions. Take the time to make sure they understand what you want.  To see one of my (poor) examples go to:
http://thecreativecheapskate.blogspot.com/2011/09/what-we-think-we-say-what-our-kids-hear.html

Teaching children to perform simple actions are stepping stones to the behavior expected of them as adults. Even though it takes effort for parents to help their children become cooperative, helpful and responsible individuals, making that effort can prevent many problems as they mature. 

1. Children that are old enough to pick up a toy to play with are old enough to be shown how to put it away.

2. Clearly explain and show what you want the child to do.  

2. You will probably have to show and tell them several times before they get the idea. 

3. It is very important that you take the time to be consistent in your teaching and expectations --- and the follow through.

Consider this: Our children want our attention, they seek our attention --- and will do what is necessary to gain our attention. Think about the percentage of time we recognize their good behavior compared to the their unacceptable behavior. Is it disproportionate? 

4. After a request has been completed show appreciation and positive feedback. Tell how what they did benefited you and others.  

5. When you express appreciation be specific --- say I appreciate what you did (filling in the act) NOT just I appreciate you.  Do you see the difference?

6. Gradually increase the complexity of their chore, or the type of chore , as they progress.

Consider this:  Do we like to be told what to do? Or be told to "do it right now!" Are children any different? Orders usually provoke resistance and/or alternatives like "I'll do it later."

Children cooperate more readily when they can choose between two acceptable alternatives. When children are allowed to make a choice, it helps them take responsibility.

We tried to give our children a 10 minute notice or warning before it was time to quit (or start) something. That helped a lot.

7. Make sure the choices you offer are acceptable to you.
example 1: "I would like you to pick up your clothes before you go out to play this afternoon. Would you like to pick them up now before the bus comes, or as soon as you come home from school?"

example 2: If you were to say "You can mow the lawn now, or you can forget about using the car tomorrow night," the child may choose to leave the car and go with friends instead. The child gets what he wants and the lawn remains unmowed, an unacceptable outcome to you.  It is better to say, "You can mow the lawn today, or you can clean the garage for me so I'll have time to mow the lawn" --- where both options are agreeable to you and the child has a choice.

8. Make sure the choices you offer are limited enough to be understood and not overwhelming or subject to a choice that would not be acceptable to you.
example:"Would you like to wear this or this (holding up two items)" rather than going to the closet and saying "What would you like to wear?"

For more examples click on http://thecreativecheapskate.blogspot.com/2011/09/kids-and-art-of-giving-them-control.html

9. Use the word "When" not  "If."  Consider the difference.  
                                               
example: "We will go for ice cream (fill in the above words) you finish cleaning your room."
                                   WHEN is the result  -- IF is a bribe.

10. Choices should not involve punishment: "You can mow the lawn now, or you are grounded for a month." This statement offers no real choice ("you must do as I say or I will punish you") and instead of teaching, will provoke feelings of resentment.

Consider this: from the Family Answers DVD -- Discipline helps a child learn  --- Punishment helps a parent who has been hurt (or angry) feel better.

Be Prepared for. . .
kids that are not eager to go along with new changes that require them to behave responsibly. You may hear "That's not fair," "why do I have to do this?" "Other parents don't make their kids do that," etc. Don't be manipulated by such comments.

And Prepare to . . .
be consistent in the matter of choices, and the necessity of repeating the choices several times. When the know you really mean it they will finally comply. 

It is important you do all of this without becoming defensive or angry. Do not argue.
If your child wants to debate the matter you can acknowledge his or her comments with a brief statement such as "That may be true" ... and then restate the choice. Again, you may to repeat this but that is okay. You are the parent.  Do not let your children manipulate you. 

Consider this: When they start realizing that you mean what you say --- your life, and theirs, will get a lot easier.

And, Finally the Possibility Exists that . . .
your child refuses to comply when given choices. Then, you the parent need to impose a consequence that logically relates to the misbehavior. Proper consequences make sense (even when they don't like them) and will help them learn responsible behavior.

If a consequence is disproportionate or unrelated to the offense, it may seem unreasonable, arbitrary and excessive, provoking the child to feel angry, resentful and rebellious. 

If you realize the consequence you imposed  is not in keeping with the offense should you
...just let it slide without saying anything? or
...apologize to your child, saying it was too extreme and reissue a more reasonable one?


What does the first one "say" to your child? Does it come across as "empty threats"?

What are the benefits of your child hearing that you also make mistakes and are willing to apologize and take steps to correct them?

Consider this:
"If parents do not discipline their children and teach them to obey, society may discipline them in a way neither the parents nor the children will like. Without discipline and obedience in the home, the unity of the family collapses. Greater peace and happiness will come to your family as you lovingly teach your children to obey the commandments of God and the rules of home and society."  (from the lesson manual)

Dave and I tried hard not to have double standards --- we didn't see R-rated movies or engage in other inappropriate activities that society would have us believe are acceptable for grown-ups. We let our children know where we were going and when to expect us home --- and we called when our plans changed. We had the same respect for them as we expected from them.

Participate, as much as possible, in activities with your children, whether working or playing together. This allows opportunity for teaching and examples that the children can then incorporate in their lives.

These Things I Wish for You...

by Lee Pitts

"We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. Instead of an allowance, we gave them credit cards. Instead of a spanking, we gave them drugs. Instead of our time, we gave them day care. Personally, I want more than that for America's young future. For the grandchildren of my generation, these things I wish for you..."


Teaching children to be responsible does not have to that complicated. Simply, the three most important ways we can teach are:





Example
Example
EXAMPLE


Watch for Part 4: Applying Consequences                                                                                                                                               

Kiddie Cafe --- THE Place for Children or Grandchildren who are Visiting

When it was homemade pizza night at our home I would make four       cookie-sheet-size-pizzas and visually divide each in half.  I kept a list on the side of the refrigerator showing what toppings each member of the family liked and topped each half pizza accordingly.  It saved a lot of hassles and everyone was happy!

I recalled that idea years later (and years ago) when our married families and their children were coming to visit. It evolved into
          Papa and Grandma’s KIDDIE CAFE'

With the holidays approaching, and their accompanying family gatherings, I wanted to share this idea for serving young children.

The menu choices were not what was special — it was simply the way the choices were presented. The menu allowed the children to choose what they wanted to eat from items that were, for the most part, actually cupboard staples.

The menu shown was one for a simple, no-special-occasion lunch, but it could be modified for any event.

This is the menu that was mailed to each family before the visit.

This page, one for each child, was mailed along with the menu. Each child made their selections and their mom mailed them 

back to me. 

And this is the "order" form where I listed their choices!

This is a 4th of July "menu" when part of our family was going to be visiting for the holiday weekend.

The Pluses?

1. Kids love to get mail and this made them feel special.
2. They were excited to be able to choose what they were going to eat.
3. It simplified the actual meal time preparation (in part because we had the “proof” of what each child requested).


The Minuses?

None!  Even the time it took to create them was lots of fun — not to mention the anticipation of their reaction when they got their own mail.

I am simply, Gail, and this is another example of how simple, and how cheap,  it is to create memories that last.

Combating the War Against the Family. . . Part 2

This is part two in an ongoing series about the war that is being waged against families and family values---and what we can do to strengthen and protect ours.

I teach a Sunday School class on strengthening the family and parenting skills. The lesson manual is terrific, the points "right on" and the suggestions doable. I am including, in my blog, some of the information from that class. 

The class manual, Strengthening the Family, outlines

     Nine Principles for Successful Parenting 

and recommends you consider how well you follow these principles in your personal and   family life.

The manual suggests you select a principle, identify how you can follow it better, and concentrate on improving in that area.  When you have begun to implement that principle successfully, it asks that you choose another principle that will help you, your marriage and your family—continuing with this process as long as it seems appropriate.*


FAITH - Parents should teach children to have faith in Jesus Christ and use their growing faith in gospel principles to govern their personal lives (see Matthew 17:20, Hebrews 11:6, 3 Nephi 18:20, D&C 68:25).

PRAYER - Children should learn to pray individually and as a family. Children can learn early about the power of prayer (see Enos 1:1-5, Mosiah 27:8-14, Alma 34:17-27, 3 Nephi 18:21).

REPENTANCE - Parents should acknowledge, confess, and forsake sins so that they can enjoy the guiding influence of the Holy Ghost. They can help their children understand and apply these principles in their lives (see Alma 34:33, 3 Nephi 9:22, Moroni 10:32-33, D&C 6:9 and 58:42-43).

FORGIVENESS - Parents can be an example of forgiveness by forgiving themselves, their spouses, and their children for shortcomings (see Matthew 6:14-15, Ephesians 4:32, Mosiah 26:29-31; D&C 64:8-10).

RESPECT - Family members are to learn to respect one another. Parents and children can learn to treat each other with courtesy and tenderness, holding each other in highest esteem (see Mark 9:42; D&C 121:41-46). Parents should try to eliminate critical thoughts and words about each other and their children.

LOVE - Parents are to love their children in the manner described by Paul, Alma, and Mormon — with patience, kindness, gentleness, unselfishness, and humility (See 1 Corinthians 13; Alma 7:23-24, Moroni 7:45-48).

COMPASSION - Parents can show compassion for each other and for their children. They should feel sorrow for the adversities experienced by family members and seek to understand and support family members during their difficult times (see Ruth 1:11-17; Zechariah 7:8-10, Luke 15:11-32).

WORK - Family work gives children opportunities to learn to appreciate work and to feel the satisfaction of accomplishment (see D&C 42:42, 58: 27-28), especially as parents and children work together. Work should be tailored to the age and abilities of children to foster feelings of success and confidence.

WHOLESOME RECREATION - Families are strengthened and revitalized when family members join in wholesome, enjoyable activities.

* I was fascinated when I read that Benjamin Franklin, one of the Fathers of America, sought to constantly improve himself by using a plan of 13 virtues, which he developed in 1726 at the age 20. He followed this plan for the attainment of moral perfection, mainly by writing each on a card and working on one virtue at a time, repeatedly for all of his life. 

When is it too late to start?

Never!

Life is hard. Time can easily slip away. Don’t we all ask “where does the time go?” Yet, realistically, don't  we manage to find the time/make the time for the things that matter most? For the things we really want to do?

We are all human and have probably made many mistakes along the way. Maybe for years we have done the wrong thing but this information is to help us change that.  I find the following quote very simple, very profound, and  very encouraging.

“The very next breath you take, the very next word you say, the very next step you take can be in a different direction.”
                                                                           Family Answers (for a more loving family) DVD

Watch for Part 3: Teaching Children Responsible Behavior--- Choices  and Consequences