Help for Loved Ones of Addicts and Alcoholics - 3

A HARD and SAD TRUTH is

even when we have done our best to teach our children to choose wisely, when they are old enough to follow a path, 
even when it is the wrong path, 
they are old enough and know enough to make that choice.

They were, and are, responsible beings, responsible for the course THEY pursue, the lives THEY live and the deeds THEY do.

This is how THEY CHOOSE to use their agency.

THEY MUST BE ALLOWED TO EXPERIENCE 
THE CONSEQUENCES of their choice.

Before we get in to today's post we are repeating the warning from a previous post

What have we learned so far?

We have learned that agency is the Lord’s eternal plan.

We have learned that accountability is an integral part of that plan. There cannot exist choices without consequences. To try to separate them is Satan’s plan, not God’s plan.

So what is our responsibility in the agency/accountability aspect of the Lord’s plan?  I see it as two-fold:

First and obviously, we must make this concept live in our own lives.

Second, we must teach our children accountability.

There are four words which may be interchangeable in this discussion and I’ll use each of them:
Accountability (obviously)
Consequences
Results
Responsibility

We must teach our children from a young age that they must be responsible for their actions. From the breaking of family rules to the breaking of family standards to the breaking of laws to the breaking of the commandments.

We must begin to teach them at an early age. In fact the teaching should begin as soon as they are able to understand. Thus it becomes a part of them. I realize that our expectation of a two-year-old is not the same as a six-year-old or a twelve-year old, but each is capable of learning at their own level of understanding.

I assure you, the longer we wait to teach them the more difficult will be the task. We should not wait until they are eight-years-old or teenagers or, in way too many cases, until they are well into adulthood to teach them. If we do so we have given ourselves and our children an onerous task.

How will our children learn accountability if we do not teach them and if we do not hold them accountable for the things which they do or fail to do?

The Lord has given us that responsibility:

Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old he will not depart from it.

Doctrine and Covenants 93:40
But I have commanded you to bring up your children in light and truth.

How do we teach our children this concept?

We teach them by setting boundaries, establishing rules, having expectations, and making our children adhere to these rules, etc. When they fail to comply, there must be consequences. We are not doing our children any favors when we fail to hold them responsible for their actions, or in many cases, in-actions.

Previously we gave you the alarming message from Dr. Ray Johnson, PhD, a clinical counselor and professor at North Texas State University: It is worth repeating.

“The most prevalent form of child abuse in this country is the failure of parents to discipline* their children.”

*Too often we think punish when we see or hear the word discipline. The Webster’s Dictionary defines discipline as training that develops self-control, character, orderliness, efficiency,obedience, and acceptance of authority.

And it is worthy of our consideration!  Have we unintentionally fallen into this category?

We must teach our families the accountability of agency and we must let them experience the consequences of improper choices or we are cheating them.

In fact, whose plan are we following when we remove or try to remove our loved one’s accountability?

Do we try avoid to it for ourselves by making someone else responsible for our actions?

To try to avoid accountability or to try and remove accountability for someone else is contrary to the Lord’s plan.

You know we cannot redeem or remove from our loved ones the consequences of their actions. That is not within our power.

If we don’t teach them and let them be accountable, all we are doing is postponing the inevitable. For they are learning habits and traits which they will some day have to pay for. Because ultimately, they cannot avoid the consequences for their actions.

It may seem to you that it is a hard thing to teach young children to be accountable for their actions.

It does require effort and time on our part.

I assure you, it is a much harder thing to try to teach them when they are  teenagers or adults.

Tomorrow* we will tackle the HARD QUESTIONS AND . . .THE HARD ANSWERS.

Please “hang in there” and keep coming back.

*Dave and I have made two important decisions.  

1. We feel that if this material is needed by you and helping you we need to bring it to you more than once a week. Beginning today we will post "Help" Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays.  

There will be 8 more posts, followed by a final wrap up with updates, insights, and final observations from Dave.

2. The end of the "Help" series will also signal the end of The Creative Cheapskate.   The time has come for me to move on to other "adventures" and responsibilities. 

I have written almost 400 posts on a wide variety of subjects. I hope they have been helpful, useful and, hopefully at times, even enjoyable. I have learned a lot as I have tried to help you.

Since the net is full of zillions of resources covering many of the same or similar subjects that I have covered  I know I am definitely not leaving anyone "hanging."  Whatever help you need on whatever subject you need help with, that help is there with just a few strokes in the search box. 

The Creative Cheapskate has had over 25,000 "hits."  I don't know exactly what that means or how it is determined but I am grateful for what I take it to mean---that my offerings have been beneficial to some of you, wherever you are throughout our wide, wonderful, world. 

Keep the faith. Keep up the good works that you are doing. Keep putting one step in front of the other, and most importantly, keep picking yourself up if you stumble. 

And please, 

Always Remember. . .

Each of you is a child of our Heavenly Father. He knows you. He loves you. He is with you every step of your way.  All you need to do is 

• simply acknowledge Him, 
• simply pray to Him,
• simply seek Him, 
• simply try to do your very best, taking one step at a time, even when it is hard and discouraging. 
• simply turn your life and your burdens over to Him,  

It really is that simple, I promise.

You are doing a great work. 

Don't beat yourself up, don't let anyone else beat you up, and don't let the world beat you up. 

Thanks for "listening"  to me these past 33 months.

It has been fun.

I  am, and will continue to be, Simply, Gail

Owen and Haatchi . . . a must see short video

Please spend nine minutes watching the heartwarming story of how a young boy with an extremely rare illness and a three-legged, previously abused dog "found" each other and gave each other new life.

If you are like me, those nine short minutes will make your day!










I am sorry but I don't know how to add this as a link you can just click on to open, so please take the extra minute to copy and paste the link, and when the article(s) come up, simply open the video. I am sure you will be glad you did.

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865596529/How-a-dog-tied-to-a-train-track-and-a-boy-with-a-rare-condition-saved-each-other.html

                       Love is Spoken Here!

Help for Loved Ones of Addicts and Alcoholics - 2

The Scriptures* teach us that there was a "war in Heaven" and it was fought over agency and its inseparable twin, accountability.

The basic facts of this war are found in the above verses from Revelations in the NIV Bible.

Dave wrote this talk-which-became-booklet for everyone who is struggling with an addicted loved one.

Our love for our children and our efforts to do the very best thing for them is universal, no matter how we choose to worship. Our family are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and my talk was given in an LDS Church meeting so the material was geared to their understanding.  Still it is a message applicable to anyone of any faith who is experiencing the horrors of addiction in a family member or other loved one.

*The Scriptures I reference are taken from the four standard works of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter- day Saints: The King James Version of the Holy Bible; The Book of Mormon - Another Testament of Jesus Christ (a volume of holy scripture comparable to the Bible. It is a record of God's dealing with the ancient inhabitants of the Americas and contains, as does the Bible, the fullness of the everlasting gospel); The Doctrine and Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price.

In the book of the ancient prophet Abraham in the Pearl of Great Price the scene is set for the future and the pattern for all the spirits that existed.

Abraham 3:24-25 
24 And there stood one (Jesus Christ) among them that was like unto God, and he said unto those who were with him: We will go down, for there is space there, and we will take of these materials, and we will make an earth whereon these may dwell;
25 And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them.

Jesus Christ was going to follow God's plan and allow each individual to have his own agency to choose between right and wrong.  Jesus was giving God all of the glory.

Satan, on the other hand, wanted to FORCE every individual  to return  to the Father instead of giving them a choice and, Satan wanted all the glory.

Satan sought to destroy the agency of man, In my opinion I do not think Satan cared what we would do, whether we kept the commandments or not, if his plan would have been accepted. I don't think he cared if we sinned or didn't sin, he was going to haul us back to our Heavenly Father and there would have been no accountability. He just wanted the glory!

In enabling, regardless  of our good intentions, are we destroying the agency of our loved ones?

Moving forward to what the Scriptures tell us about Agency in the Garden of Eden:

Moses 3:15-17
15 And I, the Lord God, took the man, and put him in the Garden of Eden, to dress it, and to keep it.
16 And I, the Lord God, commanded the man, saying: Of every tree in the garden thou mayest freely eat,
17 But of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it, nevertheless, thou mayest choose for thyself, for it is given unto thee; but, remember that I forbid it, for in the day thou eatest thereof thous shalt surely die.

Enter Satan, he that was cast out with his followers, those who exercised their agency one last time when they chose to follow Satan. They chose to surrender their agency. Satan, the father of all lies comes to Eve to tempt her.

From the Bible:
Gen 3:1-4, Satan tells Eve . . .Thou shalt not surely die. . .

That was the lie that Satan told to Eve. That was the simple lie. What is the bigger lie?  That there would be no accountability for her actions.

The lie was, there would be no accountability!

Freedom Isn't Free!

Lehi is a prophet in the Book of Mormon. Before his death he takes the opportunity to teach his children one last time. Among other things he teaches of the atonement and redemption and the necessity of opposition in the Eternal Plan. Included in that opposition is punishment. All men are to be judged in this plan or the plan is null and void. In fact opposition is a sign of the plan: for without it there is nothing.

We read in The Book of Mormon:

2 Nephi 2:10,11,13
10 And because of the intercession for all, all men come unto God; wherefore, they stand in the presence of Him, to be judged of Him according to the truth and holiness which is in Him. Wherefore, the ends of the law which the Holy One hath given, unto the inflicting of the punishment which is affixed. . .in opposition to that of the happiness which is affixed, to answer the needs of the atonement---
11 For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things: If not so, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. . .
13 And if ye shall say there is no law, ye shall also say there is no sin. If ye shall say there is no sin, ye shall also say there is no righteousness. And if there be no righteousness there be no happiness. And if there be no righteousness nor happiness there be no punishment nor misery. And if these things are not there is no God. And if there is no God we are not, neither the earth; for there could have been no creation of things, neither to act nor to acted upon; wherefore, all things must have vanished away. 

The scriptures go on to tell us that men "...knowing good from evil..." are to act for themselves and by their actions they choose "liberty and eternal life" by obedience to the law or they choose captivity and death by disobeying the commandments. In other words, they experience the consequences of their actions. We call this process----

                              Agency and Accountability


Without  personal responsibility agency could not operate. Without agency, there would be neither rewards nor punishments----no salvation or damnation. 

So what does all of this have to do with us today?  

How does it apply to our lives and the lives of our loved ones?

We will show you in next week's post.  

Some of the things may offend or hurt initially but they are words that many need to hear. 

To hurt or offend is definitely not the intent. 

     "What I hope happens is some of you will consider the things I have to say and perhaps recognize some changes which need to be made.
     "Some of you may be tempted to think 'These things don't really apply to me' or 'My case is exceptional.' Think again. And think carefully before you say that. 
    "I want to reiterate at this point, I have been through some of the same situations I'm addressing. We have faced the same decisions and the same uncertainties and the same conflicted feeling I'll talk about. They are part of being a parent, and a part of being one of our Heavenly Father's children."

And please, "tune in" next Wednesday.

Treat Yourself Today with this Short and Simple Video. . .

a great reminder for all of us.


  simple truths... the-empty-pickle-jar

Have a great day.

And



remember, the Wednesday Edition, where  I will be posting another section from Dave's booklet on help for the loved ones of addicts and alcoholics.

Help for Loved Ones of Addicts and Alcoholics --- 1

After you have raised your child, doing the very best you can, after that child has begun to exercise their agency, what they decide is in their hands. It is their agency, their life.

After you have reasoned with them, pleaded with them, cried over them and constantly prayed for them, what are you going to do?

After you have helped them out of numerous jams, laid down the law, given them one more chance (again), had them sign contracts, paid their debts, bailed them out of jail, pulled whatever strings you have, bought them a car or two, paid their rent, yet they continue in the path of self-destructive behavior, what do you do next?

We, and countless other parents have tried all of the above, and even more, with the same outcome.

What to do next?

What follows is what we and many others have found to be the best solution.

Is it guaranteed to work? No. Is it a full proof plan? No. But it is your best hope. It will seem to fly in the face of all you have been taught about being a parent and about love. It will be difficult, extremely so. But I believe it offers the best chance your loved one will have to be able, with the Lord’s help, to defeat the demons which beset them.

I have no initials behind my name. My education comes from needing help and seeking that help. From learning what works and what doesn’t. Experience.

The hard truths come from addicts* in recovery. By their own admissions, addicts are liars, cheats, thieves, and manipulators. They are only concerned with themselves and the moment! Addiction has skewed their entire thinking patterns. In order to help them we must accept these initially unacceptable facts, and learn a new patterns of thinking ourselves.

While our ultimate hope is to heal our children, we must come to accept the fact that no matter how hard we try, we cannot do it. If it is to happen, they must do it themselves with the help of the Lord. 

Hopefully this book will help each reader do what they can do —find acceptance and understanding and strength—to be able to offer this seemingly un-Christ-like “Help” to their suffering loved ones.

* When we use the words addicts and addiction we are referring to both drug addicts and alcoholics.

                                       A Weighty Matter

I recently got on the scale and found that I weigh 200 lbs. According to the U.S. Department of Health I am more than 25 lbs. overweight. And it’s Gail’s fault. If she were not such a good cook I would not eat so much and consequently, I would not weigh so much.

Let’s face it, I have a terrible habit, I overeat. Someone help me, please. Take away my extra pounds. Take away my terrible habit. But better yet, let me keep my terrible habit but take away the consequence.

However, as much as I would like to blame Gail or anyone else, I can’t. It is my habit, so it is my consequence. Do I have to have a heart attack before I stop overeating? Maybe I will.

Who must solve this problem? 

Why can’t you do it for me?

Until I take ownership/responsibility for my actions there will be no change in my behavior. As long as I try to push the responsibility off on someone else, I will do nothing about my problem. Or, as long as some else takes responsibility for my actions I will do nothing about it.

I guarantee you, as long as we do not let those we love realize the consequences of their behavior, the behavior will not change. No matter how much we want them to change it will not happen until they are held accountable for their actions.

We cheat our loved ones when we take away their agency/ accountability—the consequences of their actions, whether they be little children or teenagers or adults.

We cheat the Lord’s plan of agency when we do not let them experience the consequences of their action.

Alarmingly, Dr. Ray Johnson, PhD, clinical counselor and professor at North Texas State University states, 

“The most prevalent form of child abuse in this country is the failure of parents to discipline their children.”

Even though we might think we are doing something good and noble for them, we are in fact doing them a terrible disservice. We are harming them, stunting their growth, both in this life and in eternity.

IT IS VITAL THAT WE REALIZE AND ACCEPT THE FACT THAT

WE DIDN’T CAUSE IT!

WE CAN’T CONTROL IT!

WE CAN’T CURE IT!

"tune in" next Wednesday for part 2:  What do we know about agency? and Agency in the Garden of Eden