Still More of What is Real in Food Claims and Labels

In the children's classic book The Velveteen Rabbit, the rabbit  asks this simple question, What is Real?

In regards to the processed food we eat, it is getting harder and harder to answer that question.

Very little of the food we eat is "Natural" or "Real."  

Do you realize that 90 percent of the money that Americans spend on food is used to buy processed food? While the first purchase of a food item may be because of  its attractive packaging or appearance, subsequent purchases are determined mainly by taste.

Do you know that the canning, freezing, and dehydrating techniques used to process food destroys most of its flavor?

Do you prefer to purchase/eat foods that contain natural flavor rather than artificial flavor?

Most commercial mass food production began after World War II. At that time a highly secretive flavor industry arose in the United States to make these new processed food palatable. Dozens of highly secured flavor manufacturers --- actually refineries and chemical plants --- are located in an industrial section along the New Jersey Turnpike.  The largest is International Flavors and Fragrances which is the world's largest flavor company.

Eric Schlosser, investigative journalist and author of Fast Food Nation, visiting IFF as part of his research, was required to sign a nondisclosure form, promising not to reveal the brand names of products that contain IFF flavors.

The book is a fascinating, enlightening (and sometimes disturbing) read. Here is a section on the "natural flavors" that consumers prefer, believing they are healthier. Terry Acree, a professor of food science technology at Cornell University writes that the distinction between artificial and natural flavors can be somewhat arbitrary and absurd. He states that "a natural flavor is a flavor that's been derived with an out-of-date technology." Natural flavors and artificial flavors sometimes contain exactly the same chemicals, produced through different methods. Acree uses banana flavor as an example:

• Amyl acetate provides the dominant note of banana flavor. When you distill it from bananas with a solvent, amyl acetate is a natural flavor. When you produce it by mixing vinegar with amyl alcohol, adding sulfuric acid as a catalyst, amyl acetate is an artificial flavor --- either way it smells and tastes the same. 

During his tour, Schlosser was invited to sample some of IFF's flavors. He said it was an unusual taste test because there wasn't any food to taste. The test consisted of a dozen unmarked small glass bottles from the lab, and long white strips of paper.  With his eyes closed, Schlosser  sniffed each strip of paper, inhaling deeply. His report: 

• "One food after another was conjured from the glass bottles. I smelled fresh cherries, black olives, sauteed onions, and shrimp and...a grilled hamburger. . . the aroma was uncanny, almost miraculous. It smelled like someone in the room was flipping burgers on a hot grill."  

Speaking of burgers, Schlosser has a large section on the beefy subject of fast food hamburgers and their rise from a tainted and unsafe to eat food for the poor, sold at lunch carts parked near factories, circuses, carnivals and state fairs in the early 1900s to our "national dish."  A 1996 United States Department of Agriculture study found 78.6 percent of the ground beef tested contained microbes that are spread primarily by fecal material.  And that, folks, is why we are told to never eat rare meat. Note: The subtitle of Fast Food Nation is "The Dark Side of the All-American Meal."

Fast Food Condiment Packets

The following eye-opening information comes from Michael DeGroote, a reporter for the Deseret News in Salt Lake City, Utah, following his scrutiny (and the scrutiny of others) of the small print on these squeezy plastic packets.

Kentucky Fried Chicken -- Honey Packets, when reading the fine print you will discover that the honey packets are actually honey sauce packets  The blog "Playing in the Dirt" analyzed the ingredients of KFC's honey sauce: "If we look closely at the printing on the back of each packet, we find that the honey sauce contains the following ingredients: high fructose corn syrup, sugar, corn syrup, honey (only 7 percent), caramel color. Notice that honey is the fourth ingredient, after HFCS, sugar, and corn syrup. HFCS, of course, is unnatural; sugar is fine. Corn syrup — I'm not too sure about how it differs from HFCS, although I have read it is not as bad for you. Caramel color — why would you need caramel color for honey? Isn't it already that color?

                  The customer was offered honey or butter with her order.

                  She said "both" and this is what she was given. Later,

                  after looking up KFC's nutrition list, neither were listed.

 

To determine what ingredients honey contains, I took a look at one of the jars of honey I purchased at (the) market. 

Here's the ingredients list: honey."

"Food Safety News … food scientists say that over three quarters of the honey sold in American supermarkets and drug stores may not be what the bees created, but a watered down, reconstituted hodge-podge of the real deal mixed with other cheaper, less savory, and often less safe, ingredients."

Real honey contains pollen — which, in addition to being good for health, also makes it easy to track where it was made. So companies strain out the pollen so consumers can't tell that it came from, most likely, China.

"It is for this reason that U.S. Food and Drug Administration rules state that any product that contains no pollen cannot be called honey," Schiffman said.

So Food Safety News sent 60 store-bought containers of honey in for testing. Seventy-six percent of the honey had zero pollen in it, and so it wasn't really honey.

A similar test was made of honey bought at farmers markets, health food stores and the like. They all had pollen.

Subway -- Olive Oil Packets - The Consumer Reports' Consumerist website looked at how Subway's "olive oil" packet used different-sized fonts to deceive customers: Everything...is right on the packet. "But it helps to occasionally point out the ways companies play with design to trick your eyes into seeing what the company wants you to,"

The real master stroke is in the text that fills the appropriately olive-green background, located above the image of olives and to the right of the drawing of the corked container that presumably contains olive oil. In tightly spaced  italics, it reads “A Master Chef Blend of Canola Oil and 10%” before bursting into larger, all caps, “EXTRA VIRGIN OLIVE OIL.”

 "The most prominent words on the packet being 'OLIVE OIL' in large type in the center of the arced ribbon. Below these words, in significantly smaller but still noticeable type, is 'BLEND,' which may cause some to wonder what the rest of the stuff is. But it's in the tiny type squeezed above 'OLIVE OIL' that you get the truth with 'CANOLA & 10% EXTRA VIRGIN.'"

The iconic Twinkie was originally a very popular sponge cake with a creamy filling and ... a shelf life of two to three days. That was the problem.  Modern food technology (aka the chemical industry) was Twinkies' salvation. Today the Twinkie is made up of 39 ingredients, most of them not even food (or even food-like substances). I guess it is suppose to comfort us to learn that the FDA classifies over 700 hundred items of food additives as GRAS (generally regarded as safe)! And many of them are in Twinkies -- increasing their shelf life to ----- forever!

And Then There's  Dessert!

Check out Steve Ettlinger's interesting and easy read of his "journey to discover how the ingredients found in processed foods are grown, mined (Yes, mined), and manipulated into what America eats" in his book Twinkie, Deconstructed.





 --- “a fascinating exploration into the curious world of packaged foods. . . takes us from phosphate mines in Idaho to cornfields in Iowa, from gypsum mines in Oklahoma to oil fields in China, to demystify some of American’s most common processed food ingredients—where they came from, how they are made, how they are used—and why. Beginning at the source (hint: the ingredients are often more closely linked to rocks and petroleum than any of the four food groups), Ettlinger reveals how each Twinkie ingredient goes through the process of being crushed, baked, fermented, refined, and /or reacted into a totally unrecognizable goo or powder with a strange name—all for the sake of creating a simple snack cake.”

If this makes you want to boycott commercial Twinkies but still crave them, go to your search engine and type in “twinkie recipe.”  There are several. The filling I use is from my recipe for Ho Ho cake — a copy cat of another multi- (mostly unnecessary) ingredient snack cake.     

Ho-Ho Filling
1 cup milk
3 T cornstarch
1 cup sugar
½ cup margarine (1 cube)
½ cup shortening
1/4 tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla
Combine milk and cornstarch and cook until creamy, stirring constantly. In separate bowl, beat sugar, margarine, shortening, salt and vanilla until creamy. Combine the two mixtures, beating  until fluffy.

'til we eat again,
            I am Simply, Gail

More Food Labels: What Do They Really Mean

It is not safe to assume that all claims on all product labels are entirely accurate ---
many are intentionally misleading and unfortunately, some are downright false!

In my last post I used two different government guidelines to help us distinguish between a variety of terms --- including free, light, low, reduced and less.

Today I am continuing with more ambiguous terms and how our government defines them. 

Hopefully they give us some general guidelines but, after reading the terms and their USDA and FDA definitions, I looked up ambiguous* in Webster's Dictionary. I think the word I chose to use is, for the most part, the correct one:  

               *not clear, indefinite, uncertain and vague. 

FRESH: Raw of unprocessed, has never been frozen or cooked, and contains no preservatives. "Fresh frozen," "frozen fresh" and "freshly frozen" can be used for foods that are quickly frozen while still fresh. Foods that have been blanched briefly in scalding water to prevent nutrient breakdown are allowed to be called fresh.

ORGANIC (also CERTIFIED ORGANIC or  USDA ORGANIC): Regulated by the USDA, contains at least 95 percent organic ingredients --- meaning grown or produced without using most conventional pesticides---not counting added water and salt. Does not contain added sulfites.

LEAN & EXTRA-LEAN: Both refer to the fat content of meat, poultry, seafood, and game. Per serving (100 g), "lean" foods contain less than 10 g fat, 4.5 g saturated fat, and 95 mg cholesterol. "Extra-lean" foods contain less than 5 g fat, 2 g saturated fat, and 95 mg cholesterol.

HEALTHY: Low in fat and saturated fat, with limited cholesterol and sodium; can also mean a food contains 10 percent or more of vitamins A or C, iron, calcium, protein, or fiber.

WHOLE GRAIN: For some reason this is not regulated by the FDA. Whole-grain products are made with the entire grain, including the fiber-rich bran and nutrient-rich germ. For example bread labeled "wheat bread" or even "100% wheat bread" (see the tricky difference) is different from WHOLE-GRAIN wheat bread.

DIET: Another term not recognized by the FDA as a general food term. In regard to soft drinks, it is defined as something low in calories. (usually contains a lot of artificial chemical additives in the place of calories)

NATURAL: Defined by the USDA as meat or poultry containing no artificial ingredients or added color and that is only minimally processed. (Nothing is said about "natural" as it is used in many other food products!)

FREE RANGE or FREE-ROAMING: Defined by the USDA as meat or poultry that comes from animals that have been given significant access to the outdoors.

If you think I am overly critical or skeptical, Friday's post will cover additional reports that make me this way.  In the meantime check out my posts on Burger King Strawberry Milkshakes and McDonald Chicken Nuggets.

 http://thecreativecheapskate.blogspot.com/2012/05/scary-news-about-fake-foods-we-eat.html

http://thecreativecheapskate.blogspot.com/2012/05/secret-life-of-chicken-nuggets.html

Food Labels: What do the Bold Claims Really Mean

Food labels are descriptive guides----Right? 
Less?  Reduced? Low? Light? 

What do these adjectives specifically mean? 
Are their definitions easy to glean?

The FDA is here to help---with what we need to know,
Issuing specific meanings to the general terms below

(Sorry for the corny attempt at rhyming!)

Dietary Dictionary

(familiar one- or two-word phrases on labels  monitored by the 

Food and Drug Administration

 and their very specific definitions.)

FREE as in without, no, zero: Contains no consequential amount of fat, saturated fat, cholesterol, sodium, sugars, or calories. If this is true in a food's natural state, the label will say so (for example, "cider vinegar, a calorie-free food.")

LIGHT or LITE: These are products that have one-third fewer calories, half the fat, or half the sodium of the regular version.

LOW or LITTLE as in a low source of, or contains a small amount of:
Foods low in
fat contain a maximum 3 g per serving
low in saturated fat - 1 g
low in sodium - 140 mg
very low in sodium - 35 mg
low in cholesterol - 20 mg and less than 2 g saturated fat
low in calories - 40 calories

REDUCED (only applies to altered foods): A nutritionally altered
product with at least 25 percent fewer calories or of a nutrient
than the regular product. This claim can't be made on a product
if, in its original state, can be considered "low" (see above)

LESS or FEWER: If a food is said to have "less" or "fewer" of
something, it has not necessarily been altered but is being compared
 with other foods in a similar category. (for example, pretzels could
be said to contain less fat and fewer calories than other snacks, such
as potato chips.)

What does "Nutrition Facts" on a label mean?
Many people monitor their calories; some watch their fat, cholesterol, or sodium intake. The "Nutrition Facts" chart lists how much of each of these, as well as protein, carbohydrates, and other components, the food inside the package contains.

It is important to watch the serving size number. Many are not realistic (i.e. a 12-ounce-can of soda may list its figures based on two servings per can, thus appearing to lower the levels).

Additionally, the labels  have a %DV (percent daily value) column based on, usually, a 2,000 calorie daily diet.

MORE or fortified, enriched, added, extra, plus:A serving of food that has at least 10%DV more of a certain nutrient than a food with which is compared.

GOOD SOURCE or contains, provides: A serving of a food with 10 to 19%DV of a particular nutrient (which means it's slightly less than "high" (see below)

HIGH or excellent source of, rich: A serving of a food that contains 20%DV or more of a particular nutrient.

Manufacturer's go to great lengths to make their products more appealing and marketable. Hopefully the above has helpful in discerning the different meanings of similar words.

My next post will cover (or uncover) the specific government definitions for FRESH, ORGANIC, HEALTHY, NATURAL and more.

How You Treat Your Spouse is the Greatest Tool for . .

teaching your children to respect the opposite sex.

It's Thursday and I have been struggling with the post  that was suppose to be posted two days ago. I've had several ideas and some unsuccessful starts but nothing felt right.

As I sat down once again this morning, an item in our inbox really "spoke" to me.  I feel impressed to share it with you.

Daily, on almost all media fronts we are bombarded with inaccurate and inappropriate images, programs, and advertising---skewing  how men and women interact---making the abhorrent appear commonplace and acceptable.

What follows is the first five paragraphs from an article in a Salt Lake City, Utah newspaper --- the Deseret News.  I hope you will make the time to go to the link at the bottom of the post to read the entire article.

Teaching children by how you treat your spouse by journalist Trent Toone

Geoff Steurer and 8-year-old Andy were standing in a grocery store checkout line one day when the father noticed his son had been hypnotized by a collection of magazine covers featuring immodestly dressed women.

Steurer had seen that look before with his other boys. He bent down, put his arm around his son and gently turned him toward the shelves of candy as a teaching opportunity unfolded.

“You notice those women don’t have many clothes on and it kind of gets your attention, doesn’t it?” Steurer said to his son. “We probably ought to give them some privacy like we give mom when she is changing her clothes.”

It was an educational moment for young Andy. Steurer, a licensed marriage and family therapist, explained in simple terms that magazine covers are designed to grab a person’s attention and he didn’t know why the girls allowed themselves to be photographed as they undressed. He wanted his son to understand it’s natural for males to be attracted to females, but only in an honorable, appropriate context and manner.

“It’s a tricky balance because you want to set boundaries, but at the same time validate and allow our boys to understand that this is a God-given reaction they are having,” Steurer said. “If we do it gently, respectfully and honestly, I think they get a clear message that, yes, this feels good, but no, not in this way, not here, not right now, not with this person.”

Steurer’s experience is just one example of many methods that parents can use to teach their children how to respect the opposite sex. Parents, especially fathers, can set a standard of respect through their behavior, language, media choices and a number of other actions.


From Gail: I  can't seem to make the web address something to just click on. Please copy and paste it  and continue reading. 


http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865573075/Teaching-children-by-how-you-treat-your-spouse.html?pg=1

Make Crunchy Healthy Chips from Root Vegetable or . . .

How to get Finicky Children (and husbands and me) to Eat their Veggies

 especially unusual ones, and even ask for more!

Have you ever eaten Terra Chips?  The colorful crispy chips made from root vegetables? They are very good - - - and they are expensive!  And, while they claim they are cooked in "good" oil they are still cooked in oil.

My challenge is, the same as always --- to make them myself. 

Yesterday I scouted out the produce section of our market, checking out the veggies that come from underneath the ground.  This was one of the very rare times I have bought anything without checking the price first. I purchased one of each. Some, I have to admit I had never tasted, while others I had never tasted raw. 

I came home with 

one large sweet potato - $1.58

one yam -  84 cents

one parsnip - 54 cents

one turnip - 87 cents

one beet -   40 cents

one yucca root - $1.00

and went to work.

I scrubbed them well, peeled the ones I felt needed peeling (yucca, yam and sweet potato), and thinly sliced all of them using my mandolin. 

I very lightly drizzled olive oil on each batch,  using my (clean) hand to stir them up so each slice would get some oil, and placed each kind on it's own dehydrating tray. 

The sweet potato and the yam slices each filled two trays. Since this venture was mainly an experiment, and I had an extra tray of each,  I lightly sprinkled one tray of sweet potatoes with cinnamon/sugar and cumin. I did one tray of yam slices without oil.  

I dehydrated them at 135 degrees for 5 to 6 hours. Times vary with different dehydrators.

Results:  Love the sweet potatoes, yams and turnips!  I wasn't very excited about the parsnip to begin with, and even less so after tasting it raw, but it was good. Dave hates beets in any form and thinks they taste like dirt. He didn't like dried ones either but I didn't mind the earthy taste. The jury is still out on the yucca.  The texture is kinda strange and the taste is pretty bland; it will probably grow on me. Or maybe, I'll pass on that one.

None of the above were on sale so the experiment cost $5.23. Still a bargain compared to the price of  a (very-few-ounces) bag of the exotic commercial chips. 

Additionally, 

homemade is healthier 

and

self-sufficiency is satisfying

I didn't think about trying carrots and the market didn't have taro plus there may be other root veggies I don't know about. I do know I will be watching for sales on root vegetable!!!

I like my regular potato chips made in the microwave.  See post below

http://thecreativecheapskate.blogspot.com/2013/01/easy-crunchy-and-fat-free-potato-chips.html

'til we eat again,

          Simply, Gail

Combating the War Against the Family . . . Part 7

Note: This post is the last one of seven on the war that is being waged  against families and family values---and what we can do to strengthen and protect ours. I teach a Sunday School class on strengthening the family and parenting skills. The lesson manual Strengthening the Family by LDS Family Services is terrific, the points "right on" and the suggestions doable. 


This is the final post in my Combating the War Against the Family series. Those who were attending my Sunday school classes filled out an anonymous evaluation form and turned it in at the last session. They all wrote they felt the materials presented were very valuable. I hope they have been helpful to you as well.

How to Disagree Without Conflict will help parents understand that while differences of opinion are inevitable, families who resolve conflicts grow closer and become stronger --- along with ways to accomplish this in your own home.

The Basic Facts: 

Some parents are overly permissive --- giving in to their children's whims until their children's behavior is out of control.

Some parents are too restrictive --- provoking their children to rebel.

Some parents overreact to their children's normal drive for independence. 

and . . .

Sad but true ---  some children will still go astray and willfully engage in behavior that violates family rules and standards, in spite of what you do but ... isn't it best to try to change your methods in hopes it will change their behavior.

Family members grow closer and become stronger when they resolve differences successfully. Left unresolved, conflicts destroy family relationships and cause sorrow among family members.


We should strive to approach our loved ones in the manner Jesus Christ taught.

"A soft answer turneth away wrath: 

but grievous words stir up anger" 

Proverbs 15:1

BEGIN BY . . .

Applying the Savior's teachings to your role as parents--both fathers and mothers.  Parents should show love and a willingness to resolve conflict by

• using good listening skills and seek to understand their upset, angry children.
• making concessions in a spirit of compromise --- while upholding values and standards
• striving to persuade their children --- while refusing to give in to manipulation
• teaching their children correct principles  --- and the rationale for family rules (rather than just saying "because I said so")
• encouraging their children to make correct choices
• persuading them when they are argumentative 
• imposing consequences when they choose to disobey
• pleading tenderly with them when they are on the verge of making serious mistakes. 

WHY? . . .

A child's angry feelings often dissipate when he or she feels understood and respected by the parent. Also, parents who listen may find that their own feelings and perspectives change.

This Next Suggestion is AMAZING in it's simplicity!

This principle for resolving conflict is so simple that it is often overlooked.  Simply. . . 

                            REFUSE TO ARGUE

Parents who refuse to argue with a contentious child soon discover that the contention is short-lived. 

Quarreling and fighting cannot occur when one person refuses to engage in it. 

Glenn Latham, author of Christlike Parenting: Taking the Pain out of Parenting, stated "In my research on the treatment of behavior problems, I have been astounded to find that if parents remain calm, empathetic and direct even in the face of outrageous reviling, 97 out of 100 times, by the third statement of parental expectations children will comply."  He further states that while some parents may think that a non-combative response gives children the upper hand, allows them to win arguments and places them in control of family matters, this is not the case.

Children are often governed to a great extent by the things that go on around them. One of the things they most want is parental attention. According to Latham "parental attention is the most powerful force or consequence in the shaping of children's behavior." When children fail to draw negative attention by being argumentative, they usually calm down and engage in more socially acceptable behavior. 

Children sometimes engage in arguments to get attention and to have the parents take their side. These arguments often place parents in a no-win position. The can never fully know how the conflict started and what has happened between the children. By taking side, they may reward an undeserving child and alienate the other child.

Parents can often help best by taking a neutral position and by giving the children the responsibility to solve the problems. In our Sunday school class, we roll-played the following to demonstrate and practice good communication skills. 

The situation:  Dad entered the room as Sid, 12, and Vance, 9, were wrestling on the floor, hitting and yelling at each other. Vance began to cry, and Sid called him a baby. Dad stepped in and separated the boys.

Dad: What’s going on between you two?

Sid:         Vance started it.

Vance:      I did not. You started it.

Dad:  So you’re both blaming each other for starting the problem. (Here he is giving them responsibility for solving the problem.) What do you think we should do to solve it?

Vance:    Tell Sid to leave me alone!

Sid:         Leave you alone? What about me? Who was it that took my cards and scattered them all over the floor? Leave my stuff alone, and we’ll get along fine.

Dad: (Remains neutral; uses reflective listening.) So Vance, you’re saying that Sid started it, and Sid, you’re saying that Vance started it by taking your cards without asking.

Vance:    Yeah, well who was it that took my CD without asking?

Dad:      Both of you are blaming each other for taking things without asking. So let me ask again, what needs to happen to solve this problem?

Sid:       Tell Vance to grow up!

Vance:  Why don’t you grow up?

Dad:     (Prepares to impose consequences.) It sounds to me like you want to keep arguing. Maybe you better go to your separate rooms until you’re ready to solve this.

Sid:      I’m ready.

Vance: So am I.

Sid: Tell Vance he needs to ask before he borrows my things.

Vance: Sid never asks me before be takes my things. He needs to ask too.

Dad:    So both of you want the other to ask before borrowing things. Is that right?

Sid:     Yes

Vance: I guess

Dad:     I like that suggestion. Is that agreeable to both of you?

Sid and Vance: (Together) Yes

This dialog may seem a little contrived but it definitely gives you the idea. And, yes, it takes a little more time and effort that just yelling and sending them to their rooms or grounding them. 

Results may not be this successful nor immediate but it is a process that, if you take the time to begin with, will more than pay for itself in the long run.

Let's dissect why this father's arbitration worked. It worked because he

...was able to listen without taking sides

...obtained the boy's cooperation in suggesting and carrying out a solution

...was able to motivate them to look for their own solution  when he proposed a consequence. Although the consequence turned out to be unnecessary, it would have been an appropriate intervention had the children wanted to continue the argument.

This is discipline/teaching as opposed to punishing.

Problem-Solving: A More Productive Approach (in only 
5 Steps!) than "counting to ten" before addressing an issue

Psychologist Susan Heitler, in working with families, found they experienced success in solving conflicts using the following method. Ms. Heitler said it was most successful when family members understand how it works and agree to use it.

Step 1: State Positions
Each person states his or her position or preference---about he or she would resolve the issue---without fear of interruption, attack, or ridicule. Sometimes a solution becomes apparent during this process, although solutions usually come in step 4.

Step 2: Explore Underlying Concerns
Family members explore their positions in greater depth, examining concerns that underlie their positions, both individually and commonly as a family.


Step 3: Brainstorm Possible Solutions
Each person suggests solutions without being attacked or ridiculed. In considering solutions, each person proposes what she or he could do to contribute to a total plan of action that would respond to everyone's concerns. Every solution, no matter how impractical, is written down. This freedom fosters creativity from which a viable solution may emerge.

Step 4: Select a Solution
After brainstorming is completed, family members evaluate each suggestion and create a plan that will be responsive to the concerns of everyone. Since the solution generally needs multiple components to address the concerns of all family members, the family should think in terms of "building a solution set rather than simply a or the solution."

Step 5: Carry Out the Solution
As family members carry out the solution, they evaluate together if modifications are needed, and make them. Occasionally they may find they need to find a different solution. If that is the case, the basic framework is already in place, ready for changes to be made.

                                             adapted from Conflict to Resolution: Skills and Strategies . . . 

A note from Gail: Rather than resorting to "counting to ten" I am trying to visualize the above as my "five finger solution"  realizing that most/much of the responsibility for bringing/keeping peace in the home is in my hand.  Additionally I try to remember that when I am pointing a finger (in any situation with any one) that my other fingers are pointing right back at me!

During Jesus Christ's mortal ministry He introduced a new and better covenant that requires all of us to abide a law higher than the law of retribution found in the Old Testament's Exodus. This new covenant found in the New Testament's book of Matthew tells us to be guided by a desire to do good, to turn the other cheek to those who smite us, love our enemies and pray for those who despitefully use and persecute us; to seek and follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit as we interact with our children, our spouses and others.

As families abide by this new covenant introduced by the Savior, resolving differences in a loving, amicable way, they will enjoy greater love, peace, and harmony in their family relationships. 

When all is said and done, we must always remember
We are their parents, not their peers
We are the adults and must behave as such --- even, or especially, if it requires changing our behavior
We have the sacred responsibility of raising our children in a responsible, productive manner even when that requires sacrifice on our part

                                         

Previous posts in this Combating the War Against the Family series are "building blocks" to improving our parenting skills and may be worth reviewing. They include how to ...

...Guard against family breakdown

...Understand child development

...Communicate with love

...Nurture our children

...Foster confidence 

...Communicate expectations

...Teach responsible behavior

...Give choices between acceptable alternatives

...Impose consequences that have been agreed upon in advance

...Overcome parental anger

Combating the War Against the Family . . . Part 6

Note: This post is part of an ongoing series on the war that is being waged  against families and family values---and what we can do to strengthen and protect ours. I teach a Sunday School class on strengthening the family and parenting skills. The lesson manual is terrific, the points "right on" and the suggestions doable. This post is a continuation of that series.

          Helping Children Develop Confidence

It is important that we 
APPROPRIATELY 
help our children develop confidence!

Confident children do better in life. They are healthier, more optimistic, more socially comfortable, and more emotionally secure than children who lack confidence. Children who lack confidence tend to be more anxious, self-conscious, socially inhibited, frustrated, fearful, and prone to failure.
                                                                                                      from the Strengthening Family Manual

Caution: Children who are overly and inappropriately "built-up" by their parents (in their attempts to assure their children have high self-esteem) are actually teaching their children to be overconfident, eliminating  the necessity of their actually needing to strive to improve or accomplish. These children often overestimate their actual abilities, become self-centered and proud, and have increased feelings of entitlement.

Finding the Balance

Things You Can Do:

• TREAT your children with love and respect.  Keep in mind the "Golden Rule" of treating others as you would have others treat you.Children should be our most prized possessions.

• CONVEYING love and respect can be shown to even a disobedient child in many ways.                                                                                                        Examples from manual: Parents can look for times when the child behaves appropriately and compliment him or her "I really appreciate it when you pitch in and help with the chores." "I'm proud of you for helping your little sister."  Parents can express affection "Son, I want you to know I love you and I'm glad you're a part of our family." Parents can give physical affection. Sometimes a touch on the shoulder or arm, accompanied by words of affection, such as "It's good to see you," can be helpful. Parents should not be offended or react negatively if the child seems irritated by this show of affection. The touch and expression many mean more to the child than he or she is willing to acknowledge. Example from Gail: Years ago I was teaching a Sunday School class of seven-year-olds. One boy, Bobby, was driving me crazy with his constant disrupting and misbehavior.  I was at a loss as to what to do. I could not think of any way to sincerely compliment him about anything. One day he wore a shirt that perfectly matched his eyes and brought out their color.  I told him he had beautiful blue eyes. Those few simple words were all it took. From that time on, he was my most best helpful student--even staying after class to clean off the little chalkboard.  I later learned he had a terrible home life. Little things do mean a lot. 

• BE an example for good --- being aware that all we do is  an example of one kind or the another. 

• HELP your children develop competence in areas that are important for their future ---It is important that they learn to work, study, achieve goals, live within rules and get along with others. The best way to teach them is by working alongside them, pleasantly and patiently, showing them the way, especially when they are young. Teach without criticizing.

• SHOW interest in your children's interests even though it is often hard to be interested in all the things (especially) little children want to talk about. Try to do this even when your child is disobedient and rejecting. It is worth the effort -- both at the time and later. From the manual: One father with limited financial resources bought tickets to ice hockey games because his son, a school dropout with a history of drug use, loved the game and would go with him. The son had recently been released from a drug treatment facility and was struggling to stay off drugs. The experience brought new life to their relationship, enabling the father and son to talk about a common interest and develop good feelings toward each other. 

• ENCOURAGE your children in activities in which they can succeed and help them develop talents and natural abilities --- One of our sons had difficulty with fine motor skills when he was very young. While working in areas to strengthen this, we also wanted to guide him to areas where he could experience success at the same time. Swimming was the answer. In his swimming lessons he was in the top of the group. The confidence gained in the pool balanced the struggles he was facing in other areas.  

• RECOGNIZE and ACKNOWLEDGE your children's accomplishments. It is important for parents to recognize the significant things their children do. 

• PRAISE them when they do something good and noteworthy - - - It is important that praise be sincere. Children will detect and reject phony compliments. 

• FOCUS on their behavior and its positive effect. For example, "I really like it when you're here with us and we can talk peacefully without contention. That means a lot to me."

• KEEP your comments brief. A few words are better than many. If you go on and on it will may embarrass the child and turn a potentially positive act into one that is negative.

• RANDOMLY offer praise --- for it to have the greatest impact, as praising the child for every act may diminish the significance of the parents' words.

• INVOLVE your children in serving others. Service projects teach unselfishness and help children to consider the welfare of others.The more we serve our fellowmen in appropriate ways, the more substance there is to our soul. We become more significant individuals as we serve others.  Jesus promised that "by losing ourselves, we find ourselves!" We become more substantive as we serve others --- making it easier to find ourselves because --- there is more of us to find.

• TEACH your children to self-evaluate themselves when it comes to their behavior. In a calm, unaccusing, uncondemning way, ask questions such as "How do you feel about it?" "Do you approve of the way that you've handled the problem?" "You've told me what your friends think is right, but I'm interested in what you think." "What is the proper thing to do?" Helping them judge their own behavior is often effective because the judgment does not come from the parent.

Things You Should Avoid Doing:

• DO NOT MAKE your children pursue activities merely to fulfill your ambitions for your children --- especially when the activities are not essential to their child's well-being. Sometimes parents want the "ego-trip" of seeing their children succeed in areas where they weren't successful themselves or didn't have the opportunities. 

• DO NOT IGNORE areas of need, or possible, need. It is important that potential problems be addressed instead of hoping (or wishing) they will just "go away" or be outgrown, or telling yourself you are just overreacting. Better to check it out early, and get help if needed.  

• DO NOT CRITICIZE or BELITTLE your children or their efforts. Positive encouragement teaches; negativity discourages. Parents sometimes underestimate the impact of their actions upon their children. Some otherwise loving parents make thoughtless remarks that deeply undermine their children's feeling of confidence and sense of self-worth.

One of Gail's personal regrets: Our young daughter sang loud and off-tune. One Sunday in Church I  leaned over and asked her to sing quieter. I thought I was subtle as I said nothing about being off-tune. The results: even today, as a grown woman she only mouths the words as she sings and this in spite of the fact that she can carry a tune. I feel terrible.

Personal Experience of a Friend: He is small in stature with average looks. He is a wonderful, kind and intelligent Christian man, husband and father. In spite of these great characteristics he is very insecure and self-conscious. Could his lack of confidence (or at least a big part of it) have stemmed from having heard  his father say "He's not much, but he's all I've got"? How sad is that. 

Another story from the lesson manual: One mother who was prone to criticize said to her preschool-age son , "You sure have a  funny-looking nose." Nearly 50 years later, at a family gathering, this boy disclosed  to his siblings that he had felt self-conscious about his nose all his life because of that remark. His siblings were surprised, seeing nothing that was funny or even unusual about his facial appearance.

• DO NOT BE HARSH, JUDGMENTAL or CONDEMNING when teaching a child to self-evaluate because the child may lose sight of personal wrongdoing and focus instead on the excessive inappropriate behavior of the parents. Or, the child may respond with unnecessarily severe feelings of guilt and self-condemnation.

The Bottom Line

When parents have high but realistic expectations, their children tend to develop confidence that they can do things successfully. This confidence especially comes when parents provide a loving, supportive environment in which children can learn through trial and effort without being demeaned or condemned for failure. 

Children readily learn from setbacks when they feel love, support, and encouragement to try again. Children need to know that you love them, and their Father in Heaven loves them even when they make mistakes.

Simply give your very best to those who call you Mom and Dad.