Help for Loved Ones of Addicts and Alcoholics - 4

          Hard Questions and Hard Answers

"If we do not adequately discipline our children, 

society will discipline them in a way we may not like"

                                                       David O. McKay

Although they will probably never voice it, children want and need discipline.

We discipline our children because we love them and want them to succeed. Wise discipline reinforces the dimensions of eternal love. This reinforcement brings greater security into their lives.

We do our family members a terrible disservice when we do not hold them accountable for their own behavior. 

Or when things don't go the way they would like and we try to make things better. In fact we are taking from our loved one the opportunity to grow from their adversity.

THE HARD QUESTIONS

Perhaps we should ask ourselves a few questions when we consider withholding accountability

Why am I doing this?

Am I doing it for my loved one or am I doing it for me?

Am I doing it to save my pride, image or reputation?  Or the family's?

Am I doing it because it is the easy way out, rather than confronting them with their behavior and its consequences?

What good am I doing for them?

What harm am I ultimately doing to them?

What should I be doing in this situation?

Whose fault is it that they are in this situation?

Who is responsible for getting them out of it?

What harm is it doing to you to be in this situation?

What is it doing to or for your relationship with them?

What are we teaching them about agency when we try to ease or remove their accountability?

And ask yourself this question,
"Who is going to help them when I am no longer able to, and they haven't learned to do it for themselves?"

When will they learn to grow? If we enable them now, when will they learn to be accountable for their choices? When will it be too late for them to learn? 

The VERY BEST HELP you can give your loved one is: 

let them be responsible for their actions ---let them be accountable.

• We must let our loved one learn to be accountable by letting them be accountable.

• We stifle them, we inhibit their growth when we try to ease them through the tough times they have created for themselves.

• We cripple them by trying to or by removing the results of their actions.

Ordinarily, positive change will not occur until parents allow their children to experience the consequences of bad decisions.

The following is an excerpt from an Ensign magazine article.  The young man's name was changed.

Again,   

Who are we helping when we enable, remove the accountability, of      our loved ones?
How is it a help?
How are we harming them?
Are we really doing it for ourselves?
What is the good we may do by constantly helping?
What is the harm?

Actions and inaction(s) really do affect others

When there is an addict or an alcoholic in your family you definitely know there is an effect. When there is a law breaker in the family you know you are affected. When a child, teenager or adult in the home chooses to be disobedient you know there is an effect on those around. 

But if there is not an immediate, personal effect, is there no accountability?

Another problem with having an addicted loved one in the home is the damaging creation of a "wedge." Whether done purposely (which is often the case) or inadvertently by the addict, their behavior often causes parents to become at odds on the best way to help their child. One may want to offer as much help as possible while the other may want to take a "hard line."Contention often is the outcome, driving the couple apart.

THE HARD ANSWERS

It needs to be understood that I am not saying you shouldn't be helping your children and one another with legitimate needs. Obviously not. That is always appropriate. I am talking about enabling in harmful, habitual decisions.

It is when they are misbehaving they need to be disciplined. They need to be held responsible for their actions/behavior.

The value of the word NO!
What is wrong with NO? We, our society, went through a time when parents didn't want to say the "N" word to their children. I never did figure that one out. I wonder if we are experiencing the fallout from that misguided time period. Many of us  indulge ourselves regardless of our ability to meet the consequences and then indulge our children. And then we or they don't know how to face the results of the decisions that were made.

The value of consequences.
Until they come to understand that there really are consequences for actions they will continue to choose to do wrong or make wrong decisions.

Good Choices = Good Results
Bad Choices = Bad Results

The Scriptures teach us about agency and accountability: When the Children of Israel proved to the Lord that they were going to continue to make stupid decisions he was done with them. They were on their own to face the consequences.

I think there is a parallel here. I think we would be terribly remiss to "carry" our children once they have shown they won't get it together until we make (or try to make)  them get it together.

We are not our children's friend, we are their parent. We must be a friendly authoritarian. While we need to be accessible, lovable, merciful and fair, we must be the authority. The friendship part comes later.

Sometimes, even when it is not their fault they need to fix it, and work it out for themselves. To get through the adversity, to grow from the experience. We deprive them when we fix it for them.

Adversity is a necessity. We must not try to take that away from our family.

No one will learn if we don't let them. What lesson are we teaching when we take away our loved one's accountability?

We do not have the power to redeem our children from their poor choices.

People want to make choices and then they also want to choose the consequences, that is human nature.

We do a terrible disservice to our children, both young and old, when we take from them their accountability, the consequences of their actions.

When we remove any part of agency, including accountability, we are endorsing Satan's plan of taking from us our agency.

Addiction, no matter what kind of addiction, is no respecter of persons, nor respecter of position in a family. I will address that, and our efforts with our son, next Wednesday.

Help for Loved Ones of Addicts and Alcoholics - 3

A HARD and SAD TRUTH is

even when we have done our best to teach our children to choose wisely, when they are old enough to follow a path, 
even when it is the wrong path, 
they are old enough and know enough to make that choice.

They were, and are, responsible beings, responsible for the course THEY pursue, the lives THEY live and the deeds THEY do.

This is how THEY CHOOSE to use their agency.

THEY MUST BE ALLOWED TO EXPERIENCE 
THE CONSEQUENCES of their choice.

Before we get in to today's post we are repeating the warning from a previous post

What have we learned so far?

We have learned that agency is the Lord’s eternal plan.

We have learned that accountability is an integral part of that plan. There cannot exist choices without consequences. To try to separate them is Satan’s plan, not God’s plan.

So what is our responsibility in the agency/accountability aspect of the Lord’s plan?  I see it as two-fold:

First and obviously, we must make this concept live in our own lives.

Second, we must teach our children accountability.

There are four words which may be interchangeable in this discussion and I’ll use each of them:
Accountability (obviously)
Consequences
Results
Responsibility

We must teach our children from a young age that they must be responsible for their actions. From the breaking of family rules to the breaking of family standards to the breaking of laws to the breaking of the commandments.

We must begin to teach them at an early age. In fact the teaching should begin as soon as they are able to understand. Thus it becomes a part of them. I realize that our expectation of a two-year-old is not the same as a six-year-old or a twelve-year old, but each is capable of learning at their own level of understanding.

I assure you, the longer we wait to teach them the more difficult will be the task. We should not wait until they are eight-years-old or teenagers or, in way too many cases, until they are well into adulthood to teach them. If we do so we have given ourselves and our children an onerous task.

How will our children learn accountability if we do not teach them and if we do not hold them accountable for the things which they do or fail to do?

The Lord has given us that responsibility:

Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old he will not depart from it.

Doctrine and Covenants 93:40
But I have commanded you to bring up your children in light and truth.

How do we teach our children this concept?

We teach them by setting boundaries, establishing rules, having expectations, and making our children adhere to these rules, etc. When they fail to comply, there must be consequences. We are not doing our children any favors when we fail to hold them responsible for their actions, or in many cases, in-actions.

Previously we gave you the alarming message from Dr. Ray Johnson, PhD, a clinical counselor and professor at North Texas State University: It is worth repeating.

“The most prevalent form of child abuse in this country is the failure of parents to discipline* their children.”

*Too often we think punish when we see or hear the word discipline. The Webster’s Dictionary defines discipline as training that develops self-control, character, orderliness, efficiency,obedience, and acceptance of authority.

And it is worthy of our consideration!  Have we unintentionally fallen into this category?

We must teach our families the accountability of agency and we must let them experience the consequences of improper choices or we are cheating them.

In fact, whose plan are we following when we remove or try to remove our loved one’s accountability?

Do we try avoid to it for ourselves by making someone else responsible for our actions?

To try to avoid accountability or to try and remove accountability for someone else is contrary to the Lord’s plan.

You know we cannot redeem or remove from our loved ones the consequences of their actions. That is not within our power.

If we don’t teach them and let them be accountable, all we are doing is postponing the inevitable. For they are learning habits and traits which they will some day have to pay for. Because ultimately, they cannot avoid the consequences for their actions.

It may seem to you that it is a hard thing to teach young children to be accountable for their actions.

It does require effort and time on our part.

I assure you, it is a much harder thing to try to teach them when they are  teenagers or adults.

Tomorrow* we will tackle the HARD QUESTIONS AND . . .THE HARD ANSWERS.

Please “hang in there” and keep coming back.

*Dave and I have made two important decisions.  

1. We feel that if this material is needed by you and helping you we need to bring it to you more than once a week. Beginning today we will post "Help" Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays.  

There will be 8 more posts, followed by a final wrap up with updates, insights, and final observations from Dave.

2. The end of the "Help" series will also signal the end of The Creative Cheapskate.   The time has come for me to move on to other "adventures" and responsibilities. 

I have written almost 400 posts on a wide variety of subjects. I hope they have been helpful, useful and, hopefully at times, even enjoyable. I have learned a lot as I have tried to help you.

Since the net is full of zillions of resources covering many of the same or similar subjects that I have covered  I know I am definitely not leaving anyone "hanging."  Whatever help you need on whatever subject you need help with, that help is there with just a few strokes in the search box. 

The Creative Cheapskate has had over 25,000 "hits."  I don't know exactly what that means or how it is determined but I am grateful for what I take it to mean---that my offerings have been beneficial to some of you, wherever you are throughout our wide, wonderful, world. 

Keep the faith. Keep up the good works that you are doing. Keep putting one step in front of the other, and most importantly, keep picking yourself up if you stumble. 

And please, 

Always Remember. . .

Each of you is a child of our Heavenly Father. He knows you. He loves you. He is with you every step of your way.  All you need to do is 

• simply acknowledge Him, 
• simply pray to Him,
• simply seek Him, 
• simply try to do your very best, taking one step at a time, even when it is hard and discouraging. 
• simply turn your life and your burdens over to Him,  

It really is that simple, I promise.

You are doing a great work. 

Don't beat yourself up, don't let anyone else beat you up, and don't let the world beat you up. 

Thanks for "listening"  to me these past 33 months.

It has been fun.

I  am, and will continue to be, Simply, Gail

Owen and Haatchi . . . a must see short video

Please spend nine minutes watching the heartwarming story of how a young boy with an extremely rare illness and a three-legged, previously abused dog "found" each other and gave each other new life.

If you are like me, those nine short minutes will make your day!










I am sorry but I don't know how to add this as a link you can just click on to open, so please take the extra minute to copy and paste the link, and when the article(s) come up, simply open the video. I am sure you will be glad you did.

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865596529/How-a-dog-tied-to-a-train-track-and-a-boy-with-a-rare-condition-saved-each-other.html

                       Love is Spoken Here!

Help for Loved Ones of Addicts and Alcoholics - 2

The Scriptures* teach us that there was a "war in Heaven" and it was fought over agency and its inseparable twin, accountability.

The basic facts of this war are found in the above verses from Revelations in the NIV Bible.

Dave wrote this talk-which-became-booklet for everyone who is struggling with an addicted loved one.

Our love for our children and our efforts to do the very best thing for them is universal, no matter how we choose to worship. Our family are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and my talk was given in an LDS Church meeting so the material was geared to their understanding.  Still it is a message applicable to anyone of any faith who is experiencing the horrors of addiction in a family member or other loved one.

*The Scriptures I reference are taken from the four standard works of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter- day Saints: The King James Version of the Holy Bible; The Book of Mormon - Another Testament of Jesus Christ (a volume of holy scripture comparable to the Bible. It is a record of God's dealing with the ancient inhabitants of the Americas and contains, as does the Bible, the fullness of the everlasting gospel); The Doctrine and Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price.

In the book of the ancient prophet Abraham in the Pearl of Great Price the scene is set for the future and the pattern for all the spirits that existed.

Abraham 3:24-25 
24 And there stood one (Jesus Christ) among them that was like unto God, and he said unto those who were with him: We will go down, for there is space there, and we will take of these materials, and we will make an earth whereon these may dwell;
25 And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them.

Jesus Christ was going to follow God's plan and allow each individual to have his own agency to choose between right and wrong.  Jesus was giving God all of the glory.

Satan, on the other hand, wanted to FORCE every individual  to return  to the Father instead of giving them a choice and, Satan wanted all the glory.

Satan sought to destroy the agency of man, In my opinion I do not think Satan cared what we would do, whether we kept the commandments or not, if his plan would have been accepted. I don't think he cared if we sinned or didn't sin, he was going to haul us back to our Heavenly Father and there would have been no accountability. He just wanted the glory!

In enabling, regardless  of our good intentions, are we destroying the agency of our loved ones?

Moving forward to what the Scriptures tell us about Agency in the Garden of Eden:

Moses 3:15-17
15 And I, the Lord God, took the man, and put him in the Garden of Eden, to dress it, and to keep it.
16 And I, the Lord God, commanded the man, saying: Of every tree in the garden thou mayest freely eat,
17 But of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it, nevertheless, thou mayest choose for thyself, for it is given unto thee; but, remember that I forbid it, for in the day thou eatest thereof thous shalt surely die.

Enter Satan, he that was cast out with his followers, those who exercised their agency one last time when they chose to follow Satan. They chose to surrender their agency. Satan, the father of all lies comes to Eve to tempt her.

From the Bible:
Gen 3:1-4, Satan tells Eve . . .Thou shalt not surely die. . .

That was the lie that Satan told to Eve. That was the simple lie. What is the bigger lie?  That there would be no accountability for her actions.

The lie was, there would be no accountability!

Freedom Isn't Free!

Lehi is a prophet in the Book of Mormon. Before his death he takes the opportunity to teach his children one last time. Among other things he teaches of the atonement and redemption and the necessity of opposition in the Eternal Plan. Included in that opposition is punishment. All men are to be judged in this plan or the plan is null and void. In fact opposition is a sign of the plan: for without it there is nothing.

We read in The Book of Mormon:

2 Nephi 2:10,11,13
10 And because of the intercession for all, all men come unto God; wherefore, they stand in the presence of Him, to be judged of Him according to the truth and holiness which is in Him. Wherefore, the ends of the law which the Holy One hath given, unto the inflicting of the punishment which is affixed. . .in opposition to that of the happiness which is affixed, to answer the needs of the atonement---
11 For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things: If not so, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. . .
13 And if ye shall say there is no law, ye shall also say there is no sin. If ye shall say there is no sin, ye shall also say there is no righteousness. And if there be no righteousness there be no happiness. And if there be no righteousness nor happiness there be no punishment nor misery. And if these things are not there is no God. And if there is no God we are not, neither the earth; for there could have been no creation of things, neither to act nor to acted upon; wherefore, all things must have vanished away. 

The scriptures go on to tell us that men "...knowing good from evil..." are to act for themselves and by their actions they choose "liberty and eternal life" by obedience to the law or they choose captivity and death by disobeying the commandments. In other words, they experience the consequences of their actions. We call this process----

                              Agency and Accountability


Without  personal responsibility agency could not operate. Without agency, there would be neither rewards nor punishments----no salvation or damnation. 

So what does all of this have to do with us today?  

How does it apply to our lives and the lives of our loved ones?

We will show you in next week's post.  

Some of the things may offend or hurt initially but they are words that many need to hear. 

To hurt or offend is definitely not the intent. 

     "What I hope happens is some of you will consider the things I have to say and perhaps recognize some changes which need to be made.
     "Some of you may be tempted to think 'These things don't really apply to me' or 'My case is exceptional.' Think again. And think carefully before you say that. 
    "I want to reiterate at this point, I have been through some of the same situations I'm addressing. We have faced the same decisions and the same uncertainties and the same conflicted feeling I'll talk about. They are part of being a parent, and a part of being one of our Heavenly Father's children."

And please, "tune in" next Wednesday.

Treat Yourself Today with this Short and Simple Video. . .

a great reminder for all of us.


  simple truths... the-empty-pickle-jar

Have a great day.

And



remember, the Wednesday Edition, where  I will be posting another section from Dave's booklet on help for the loved ones of addicts and alcoholics.