Our Children's Increasing Stress . . .

in an Increasingly Stressful World

My wonderful mother-in-law Jennie passed away over 20 years ago.  Today I uncovered an article she sent me with a handwritten note stating she had been given this material "some time ago."  I am guessing this advice was written almost 30 years ago --- It could have been written yesterday, except the stress-ors have greatly increased.

Before I get to the serious subject I am reminded of the routine pre-take-off airline announcement "in case of emergency be sure to put your oxygen mask on before you put on your child's" or something like that. It's a stretch, I agree, but here is a mother's day card from Heidi suggesting something similar..

and less stress!

The scenario:
Lisa, aged 8, just put in an 11 hour day: school, followed by soccer practice, followed by a piano lesson. It is almost her bedtime but Lisa has to review her spelling words. Instead of cooperating as she normally does, Lisa is alternately sobbing and shrieking. Her parents are genuinely shocked at her behavior.

The introduction:
In our hectic world it is unreasonable to expect a stress-free life. It is impossible.  Yet, too often, too many people consider excessive stress as an adults-only problem. Not so, says Dan Kaercher, the article's author.
               "The increasing incidence of stress symptoms in children indicates otherwise.
                 The adolescent suicide rate, for instance, has tripled since the mid-'50s.
                 Youngsters need guidance to make stress work for them not against them."


Gail's note: Remember, this article was written in the early '80s; as your read and absorb his points consider how far we have progressed digressed in the ensuing 30 years.

Why kids get over-stressed:
Not only do children have to cope with all the uncertainties and growing pains their parents faced, they have the following as well . . .

• Pressure to achieve - Children are pushed to excel in school, in athletics, and socially at ever-younger ages.*
• Over-programming - Soccer, tennis, ballet lessons, computer classes. No matter how worthwhile the activities are singly, the cumulative effect can be disastrous.
• Floundering families - There are more divorces and single-parent families than ever before, placing a heavy burden on overextended parents and their children.
• Changing values - Youngsters today face tough choices about drugs, smoking, drinking, and sex much earlier than their parents did.
• Other worries - Fears about nuclear war and the economy take their toll on kids, just as they do on adults.

Watch for stress symptoms:

How well a child handles stress depends largely on his or her age, temperament, emotional well-being, and coping skills. Even in the same family each child is different.  Too much stress usually triggers behavioral changes.

In younger children - symptoms can include bed-wetting, compulsive crying, hair-pulling, and nightmares. They may become uncharacteristically dependent or demanding.

In older children - the symptoms are more subtle and can include excessive TV-viewing, overeating, difficulty concentrating, and chronic sleepiness or it's opposite, insomnia. Also, vague physical complaints--headaches and stomachaches unrelated to any illnesses.

In Friday's post I will continue with suggestions from Kaercher's article . . .

• Three important things a parent can do 
• Three important things a parent can teach

. . . to help your child cope with stress.

*You may want to check out my earlier post on young children and organized sports. http://thecreativecheapskate.blogspot.com/2012/08/helpful-guidelines-for-easing-little.html

I am Simply, Gail striving to bring you simple ideas to help you with the various aspects of YOUR life and YOUR challenges.

Organic vs. Conventional Produce? . . . What You Need to Know

A consumer's guide to
Organic vs. Conventional Produce . . .
and Why 

More and more we hear about the importance of buying organic produce. 

We are trying to eat healthier but our budget is limited and the higher prices for organic can be a challenge. Also, we don't want to be fanatical---if it is not necessary.

An acquaintance, who seems to us overly cautious, told us of the dangers of eating non-organic bananas. It seemed to me that the tight covering of the banana peel would protect it.

For help in determining what produce was most important to be organic I sought the insight of  a produce manager.  He was less help than I had anticipated.

Recently I read an enlightening book by journalist who went "undercover" and obtained employment as a California farm worker, a fast food employee, kitchen help in a popular chain restaurant and as a produce worker in a large big-box store, where her manager
was a young man with no previous produce experience.

I started researching and this was the common-sense list I settled on.

BEST TO BUY ORGANIC

What? Fruits and Vegetables with thin or edible skins
Why? They tend to get sprayed more and absorb more pesticide residue.

FRUITS

Apples are heavily sprayed and often washing and peeling doesn't get off all of the chemicals. Also, because the skins have lots of vitamins it is best if you can eat the peel.

Blueberries, the highly touted anti-oxidant powerhouse, are sprayed with dozens of pesticides making them, unfortunately,  among the "dirtiest" of fruits.

Grapes have thin skin and are sprayed various times during the growing process.

Peaches and Nectarines are heavily sprayed and their delicate skin absorbs the chemicals easily.

VEGETABLES

Celery has no protective skin; they absorb harmful chemicals rapidly that don't wash off. The chemicals have been linked to ADHD.

Bell Peppers have soft skins and lack a protective layer putting them on the must-buy organic list.

Potatoes are among the most contaminated vegetables. If you can't find organic, it is best to use sweet potatoes.

Spinach is loved by bugs and is among the most heavily sprayed leafy greens. I am trying to buy most salad greens organic.

Fortunately we have had our garden to rely on these past few years.  Each year we expand and try new things. Many items can be simply grown in bags and pots.  For the cheapest, safest, and healthiest try growing some of your own.

For ideas, check this out.

http://thecreativecheapskate.blogspot.com/2011/08/gardening-in-bag-or-bags.html

Organize Lots of Kitchen Stuff for Next to Nothing . . .

Just a reminder --- It is okay to be cheap and it is even more okay to think outside of the box and "re-purpose." Just keep your thinking caps on and your eyes open. You will be amazed what you can come up with.

My cookie sheet, cupcake pans, tray organizer doesn't pull out from the cupboard like this (9 inch wide) one shown below but mine didn't cost $81.93 either.



My cookie sheet, cupcake pans, tray organizer fits in the cupboard like the one below but I didn't pay $11.95 for each section of the divider and I didn't have to get down on my hands and knees to screw each section in.


My organizer isn't plastic coated or chrome but it is heavy duty metal and totally does the job!

Actually I have two of them . . .

This bottom plate holder was a $1.00 garage sale find.

Do you recognize what I am using to organize my assorted bake ware and dishes? 

They are simple steel heavy duty office dividers/sorters, 

exactly like this one below ---- an e-bay item that was already sold so it's price was no longer listed but the shipping was listed as between $8.87 and $15.90

It has 5 different 2" slots

10" side to side
11-1/4" front to back
8" tall

I found  new metal ones ranging from $25.00 to $55.00 and a plastic one for $22.00

And ----

I found both of mine at thrift shops for $1.50 each!!

Here's to creative chic cheap.

What If. . . We are Dying to Smell Good?

I have been having trouble with frequent, and sometimes intense, itching in my armpits. Occasionally, accompanied with a rash.

Figuring the culprit was my underarm protection I started trying different brands --- a frustrating and expensive venture, made even more so if you get into the "natural" brands.

A few weeks ago I ran across a website proclaiming the effectiveness of  the simple combination of cornstarch and baking soda. 

How much more natural can you get?
How much cheaper can you get?

The article suggested starting with a 50-50 mix and go from there. 
It was a little too harsh for me, but 2/3rd cornstarch combined with 1/3rd baking soda does the job!

Simply combine the two in a shallow covered container and use a small powder puff or cotton ball to apply.

Last week we took a trip and I was hesitant to take it along, somehow afraid it wouldn't do the job. How dumb! I came home with an itchy rash! 

Before posting this discovery I decided to check out the ingredients in commercial deodorant and/or anti-perspiration products.

In the process I added a new word to my vocabulary!

Obfuscate 

— to deliberately make something unclear or 
difficult to understand, by making use of unfamiliar terminology.

No wonder you're confused by the information on product labels! The facts are obfuscated by industry regulations requiring the ingredients to be listed in terms that only a chemist can understand.

Then to confuse you even further, companies intentionally put beautiful labels on their products with words like "natural," and "healthy" when their ingredients are anything but.

They may have a few token herbal or natural ingredients upon which they base their claim. But these ingredients, in many cases, only make up a very small percentage of the total ingredients.

Did you know that . . .


...there are no industry standards for what natural means. 

Did you know that . . .

... many of the ingredients added to cosmetics and personal care products are harmful. In fact, cosmetics and toiletries are the least regulated products on the market. As long as the manufacturers of these products don't use toxic substances that have been banned, they are free to use whatever ingredients they want and market their products without testing them and without approval from the FDA.

And, did you know that  . . .

The FDA does not ensure the safety of personal care products. 
The FDA has not defined what safe means. 
The FDA cannot require pre-market safety testing of personal care product ingredients.
The FDA cannot prevent the introduction of dangerous products onto the market.
The FDA cannot even require a recall of harmful products.
The FDA refuses to establish guidance for safety. 
What else is being hidden from you right now?

 "The FDA can make suggestions or recommendations to manufacturers about cosmetic products or their ingredients, but the manufacturers do not have to comply. The FDA must first prove in a court of law that a product is harmful, improperly labeled, or violates the law if it wants to remove a cosmetic product from the market." 

Information from "Dying to Look Good" by Christine H. Farlow, D.C.

And this is only about underarm deodorant. Think of the many other items we use to make ourselves socially and personally "acceptable" and attractive.

You know what really STINKS?

The GREED of manufacturers and the INEPTNESS of the FDA

More on Keeping Marriage Bubbling on the Front Burner

This post is a continuation of my last post on keeping the spark in marriage --- with help from authors Richard and Linda Eyre.

In their recent newspaper column the Eyres, stated that a friend observed that many couples work harder at being good parents than at being good husbands or wives. The Eyres  stated:

We need to prioritize our marriage
before we can prioritize our parenting

“It is analogous to the announcements the flight attendants make every time we get on an airplane: “In the event of an emergency, give yourself oxygen first before you give it to your child.” 
We need to prioritize our marriage before 
we can prioritize our parenting.”

No matter how wonderful and important children are, 
the husband and wife were on the scene first and will continue 
to be together when their children leave the nest for their own homes.

Twenty  years ago I worked with a man who was very proud of the fact that he and his wife were so devoted to their children and to parenting that they did not/would not go anywhere without their children. At that time they had several children and some of them were old enough to care for their siblings for a few hours.  He wouldn’t even consider the idea that he and his wife were entitled to and needed time for themselves as husband and wife..He insisted his wife shared his feelings.  

I occasionally wonder how that has worked out for them. Were they able to let their children leave the nest and cleave unto their spouses? Did he and the misses have anything, besides the children, in common once they were a couple again?  Did they have husband/wife identities or even their own identities? 

Dave and I were the exact opposite.  I don’t think our kids suffered for it but if they did I am sure they will quickly write in and let me (and all of you) know.  

We brought my love of art and Dave’s love of softball to our marriage. Since we cared for one another, I happily watched him play ball three evenings a week and he willingly accompanied me to art exhibits. Over time, his interest in art surpassed mine! And as time went on, we discovered  new activities to enjoy and/or support one another in (yes, I remember, you should not end sentences with  prepositions).

“We’d love to but we can’t afford to.”  

For many, if not most, married couples the biggest obstacle to dating is finances. I have often heard “We’d love to but we can’t afford to.”  You can't afford not to! Can’t is more often than not an excuse that is easier than some creativity. Keeping the spark, and keeping in touch with one another in couple-hood is worth whatever effort it takes.

• if you really can’t come up with the money for a sitter, arrange a trade with another young couple, so each of you get a date night or
• feed the kids a simple meal and put them to bed early and enjoy a special dinner for two after they are asleep or
• after their early bed time, play a game, work on a hobby you both enjoy, or just sit and cuddle and remember your dating and early marriage days.

If you can come up with a little money for a sitter, even if it is just for an hour or so, go for a ride or walk, visit the library, find a free local concert or activity or go for an ice cream cone.  (As a continuation of the evening we always made it a point to return home after the sitter had the kids settled in bed—even if we had to drive around the block for a few minutes!) 

When our older child was able to “tend” the younger, their payment was not money --- we brought home a malt or other treat of their choice. 

Little things mean a lot!!  

Even more so, when they require creativity rather than money. 

• Put little notes in his lunches or in his shoes, or write a short message on a mirror

• Make one of his special treats for a non-occasion

• Take a minute to put on a little make-up and fragrance just before he comes home from work (Kids notice that you make the effort to do this for your spouse.  One day our then youngest asked if I was going somewhere when he saw me doing this and his next older brother said, “No, it is time for daddy to come home.”)

• When he comes home, greet him at the door if possible, but don’t immediately begin telling him what a horrible day you had or how ornery the kids were. Chances are his wasn’t so great either.

There is no doubt kids need lots of our time. They need our love. They need our support. They need our encouragement. They need our acceptance. They need our respect. And they need to know of the love we have for one another. Their needs add up to what sometimes seems like overwhelming amounts of our time. 

But, they don’t need our absolute and undivided attention!

Our spouses need our love, our time, our support, our encouragement, our acceptance and our respect. . .

but, do we sometimes forget about that in all the hustle and bustle?

This is what we did . . .

We jokingly referred to our children as “second-rate citizens.” What we really meant was second “rank.” Children are smart and me-centered, and they naturally use these attributes to their advantage. They can quickly see if they have us wrapped around their little finger — immediately available to their every want or need.  Or, they can learn that they are not the only important person in the family and that they will not always be catered to.

New babies almost always need immediate attention; yet even they can learn a small amount of patience. When our babies started crying from hunger I would first go to them and talk to them and turn them over or some such thing and then leave for a couple of minutes to prepare their bottle. In that way, they soon discovered that I was not ignoring them, and they learned that I would quickly be back to care for them.

In our family, when a child’s wants didn’t require immediate attention (and most wants don’t), their dad usually came first with me—and still does. He even got the extra helping of dessert!

 And why we did it

Again, we were a couple first, we are a couple again now that the children are grown, and it was important to maintain our couple-ness while raising a family. We have seen too many couples lose that identity when their children started arriving. An unidentified but very wise person said “The greatest gift a man can give his children is to love their mother.” It works in reverse, too. For the mom to love the dad.

We all know that example is the greatest teacher. Our kids were known to tell their dad that I had had a rough day and that he should take me out. If the full truth were known it probably would have been that I was taking my rough day out on them and they would like me out of the house for a while, but still they were learning about others and other’s needs.


There is no need for arguments in any marriage.  The bottom line of most arguments is selfishness or pride. And what is in the center of pride? Spell it out: pride. 

We have never felt that a marriage was meant to be 50-50.  Instead, we feel it is best when it is an equation similar to 90-10, with each spouse striving to give the 90!

The only acceptable fight in any marriage is a line from a song of long, long ago, "we often fight the live long night 'bout who loves who the most."

We are simply and happily, Dave and Gail 

Note: The Eyres are special people with a special mission.  Their vision is to "fortify families by celebrating commitment, popularizing parenting, validating values, and bolstering balance." To this end they are offering their books on line at no charge.  Please check them out at http://www.eyresfreebooks.com./

Keeping your Marriage on the Front Burner

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. 
                                                                                Genesis 2:24

That directive, given by God to Adam and Eve remains of great importance---probably more so than when it was given in the garden of Eden. 

Often, the event of marriage, with all its planning, pomp and ceremony,  is viewed as the climax rather than a new beginning of unending potential and joy. The "I do" quickly followed, after the honeymoon, by "Now What?"

It was interesting to discover that in our dictionary 
the verb "cleave" has two totally opposite definitions:   
1) to be faithful and adhere 
2) to divide or split

Without conscious effort and care, we can slowly become divided as we get caught up in the daily grind of, well  ----- 
our daily grind. 

It won't happen all at once and it won't happen at 
all IF -----
we remain attentive to one another and one another's needs.  

IF we care about our spouse more than we care about ourselves. 

Decades ago, Richard and Linda Eyre*         
sat in a meeting where all married couples 
were urged to continue their courtship, 
including going out on a date once each 
week, along with the promise that if they 
would do that one simple thing their love 
and commitment to each other would 
continue to grow. 

Quite a challenge, quite a commitment, quite a promise!

The Eyres took that advice to heart. They had weekly dates and they are still in love ---- more than ever.

*The Eyres are New York Times No. 1 best-selling authors who lecture throughout the world on family-related topics. 

The following are excerpts from one of their recent newspaper columns on marriage relationships. 


"When you courted your spouse, you thought about it, you planned it — you strategized how to win her (or him). There was nothing you wouldn’t do, no small touch you wouldn’t add and no effort you wouldn’t make.

"And you sought to create romance! Is it any less important now?

"In your courtship, you worked hard and thought hard to find out what he or she liked most and what made the other happy. Is it any less important to know those things now — and to practice and implement them?

"We all need to remember that our spouses are not only our partners, but also the other part of a “oneness” that is a perfectible entity. In that context, nothing is more important than the ongoing progress and strengthening of our marital relationships.


"Speaking for ourselves, we may not have grown more alike during our first 40 years together (though we clearly have in some areas), but we have continually come to appreciate each other more, including learning to appreciate and even celebrate our differences. 

"We have fallen more in love because we are continually learning new things about the other to fall in love with.

"We have decided that we each actually have more influence over the happiness of the other person than over our own. We have decided that we like interdependence much more than independence, and we have adopted the mantra that “if it’s important to you, it’s important to me.”"

Dave and I have followed this same advice for our nearly 50 years of marriage.  We agree with this profound but simple advice that works!  

In my next post I will share some of the things that have worked for us and a little more from the Eyres.

Separated After Birth --- the Breaking News from the Hen House

Although this first video is in Chinese, you do not need to understand the language. The pictures tell it all

http://bbs.wenxuecity.com/cooking/1160651.html

This second video is taking the original video five steps further!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_AirVOuTN_M&safety_mode=true&persist_safety_mode=1