Help for Loved Ones of Addicts and Alcoholics - 8

You give, they take . . .

Sometimes they demand and you give

We were shocked to learn that when we help someone do something they should be doing for themselves there 
is resentment.

What's the shock? Of course we resent it!

Actually the shock is --- there is also resentment on the part of the receiver, not that they would ever admit it, because they will take whatever they can get.

How is That?

From our perspective it doesn't make sense that there is also resentment on their part. But, you know what,  we have learned that there is little about the workings of an addicted brain that makes sense.

They take --- and they resent you for giving --- for the implication is that they can't do it themselves.

Isn't that what we are saying when we take on their accountability, that the individual can't do it on their own?

Does it mean they can't make it on their own,
OR we think they can't make it on their own,
OR they perceive we think they can't make it on their own?

Resent on both sides.

That is how!

Just This One More Time!

(and again, you know that we are not talking about the responsible family member who may have an occasional emergency arise.)

Maybe I have said this before ... There is a very real tendency for us to say, at least to ourselves, "If I help them just this one time, or one more time, this will be what they need to get them over the hump, started in the right direction."

In our family group meeting, we were shown a segment of an episode of "The Simpsons."

Bart, as usual, has caused problems, and has been sent to bed without supper. He isn't worried. 

Time passes and he is getting hungry.

More time passes and all the lights go out.

Now he is worried. His parents have always relented before.

He is hungry!

And he is very worried, realizing that the time appears to have finally come that he is going to have to shape up.

The very next instant, his door opens and his dad sneaks in with a plate of pizza and an admonition of love and "I know you will try to do better..."

Bart thanks his dad profusely and, after the door closes, adds---

"Sucker!"

We are down to just a couple more "sessions."   I hope we are giving you a little insight and a little help.  

Until next time please remember, we have been there and we have done that.

Help for Loved Ones of Addicts or Alcoholics - 7

Do we agree that our family is our greatest responsibility?

Then, this is the time we must again ask the hard questions:

What is, in the long run, the very best thing for my child?

Is it better to bail them out of jail or let them do their time?

Is it better to pay their debt or let them be responsible for it?

Is it better to pay their rent or buy them food because they choose to spend their money on drugs or alcohol, or just overspend on frivolous stuff, or lose their job because of irresponsibility, or because they are in no condition to hold down a job or-----

let them find their own way out of their own problem?

Which of these choices best teach them? 

What do we tend to do?

How often do we start trying to solve their problem for them?

The hard answer to the hard questions is one of compassion and concern. It is the answer of unconditional love: When our loved one comes to us with a situation they have gotten themselves into we need to respond (and this can be stated simply,  calmly and kindly):

"That is a problem. . .what are you going to do about it?" or ". . . How are you going to handle it?" or ". . . I know you will be able to figure out what to do."

It is not the easy thing to do but it is the right thing to do, the necessary thing to do.

Trust me when I say that my tongue has been very sore from biting it so hard to keep from stepping in or stepping up. 

Before you say, "But my case is special. We are not like that. My child is going to turn their life around when I help them this one more time," let me say, Don't bet the farm on it!

So, where is the caring and loving parent in this? Where is the Christianity in this?

Again, the question we need to ask is, 

"What is the best thing I can do for my loved one?" 

and

"What is the best thing for me as well?"

Our next post will address the surprising  truths about resentment "How is That?"

Until then, I want to leave you four things to think about:

1. If our addicted loved one asks us to go to their dealer to buy them some drugs would we do it?

2. If our addicted loved one asks us to drive them to their dealer so they could buy some drugs would we do it?

3. If our addicted loved one asks us to loan or give them money so they could go and buy some drugs would we do it?

4. If they ask us to bail them out of jail so they could go use drugs would we do it?

When we provide them with a place to live, food to eat, a car to drive, or make payments for them, aren't we, in fact, freeing up their money so they can go buy drugs?

"Tune in" tomorrow.

Help for Loved Ones of Addicts and Alcoholics - 6

It is common for those suffering from alcohol and other addictions 
         to claim that they are hurting no one but themselves.

WRONG!

EVERYONE SUFFERS!

Gail and I attend a support group made up of the family members of addicts and alcoholics, most of which are clients of Drug Court. In this group we learn coping skills and the correct actions and reactions to the many situations we face. Al-Anon and Alateen are similar groups, also offering help and support for family members of addicts.

Almost universally, the reaction after attending the first meeting or two is, "No, this is not for me." "My situation is different." "These are not my kind of people." If they keep coming, it doesn't take very long to see all that is offered---support, understanding, education, strength, help and love.  Again, addiction is no respecter of persons, and we really are those kind of people.

Just as addicts cannot heal themselves on their own; these various groups are available to help family members heal themselves. We strongly encourage you to seek them out.

The Learning Curve

The most often heard laments we hear from newcomers at the family group we attend go like this, "It's my baby." "It's my  child." "I have to help them."

And the most common way the parent chooses to help is---to remove some or all of the consequences from their child. This is not helping! Again, removing consequences, "rescuing" our loved ones from the consequences of their actions, is not helping them!

It is ENABLING them!

Until our children learn that they must be accountable for thier own actions, that someone else is not going to pick up the pieces for them, they will continue to make poor choices. (Poor is a euphemism for dumb or stupid.)

Another often heard explanation for bailing their child out of a jam is this. "If I help them just this one more time, if I get them out of just one more jam, they'll learn their lesson and their life will turn around." We truly want to believe that but . . .

overwhelming statistics tell us that is not going to happen.

Until they have to pay the price for their own actions they'll continue in their way---an almost 100% guarantee.

A recovering addict, who is also part of our family group in support of his fiancee' said, "I would not face my own problems as long as there was someone else to take care of them for me. It was not until I ran out of options, not until I was literally sleeping in the alley and diving in the dumpster for food, that I became responsible to find my own solution."

The mother of this same young man finally (after many years of bailing him out) told him, "I'm sorry I never let you have the privilege of failing."

Think of the significance of that statement. It is profound.

"I'm sorry I never let you have the privilege of failing."

These important principles apply not just to the addicted but to all those who, through their own poor decisions, have put themselves in a jam.

This does not mean that we can't help our kids while they need our help on occasion. We are referring to those who seem to habitually get themselves in a spot and we, the parents keep bailing them out.
For them the cord needs to be cut, for their good as well as ours.

The Dilemma*

We, as well-meaning parents seem to have a dilemma. It is strongly stressed over and over that our family is the greatest responsibility we will ever have. 

And that we are to love unconditionally. 

Both are true. 

So how do these equate to letting our child go to jail? Or letting them pay their own debts, or letting them go homeless.

Try dropping off your child at a homeless shelter some day. We did. And boy, did it hurt! (But we couldn't let him know that.)

*Dilemma: any situation in which one must choose between unpleasant alternatives

The next post will address this dilemma.

Help for Loved Ones of Addicts and Alcoholics - 5

Paramount in our lives are our children!

We know that one of the most important responsibilities we have is to raise our children in the way of the Lord. We are living in a society that makes no demands and expects no accountability. Please do not let that extend into your families.

We must teach agency and accountability. Then, though it may seem contrary to our responsibility, after we have taught them we must let them apply those teachings in their lives. If we have done our job in teaching them as we've raised them, then we have done our job. Now it is up to them to use that agency they have been given by our Heavenly Father, and then be accountable for their actions.

Addiction, no matter what kind of addiction, is no respecter of persons, nor respecter of positions in a family.

If it's the oldest child we say "We were too hard on him."

If is the youngest child we say "We were too easy on him."

If it is the middle child we say "It was because he is the ---- well, the middle child!"

Just as the words addict and alcoholic are used interchangeably, when we are speaking about children the word is also interchangeable to include spouses, parents or siblings or other adults with abuse and accountability problems.

Position in the family is never the issue. Agency always is.

Boundaries = Rules = Commandments

Is there no other way to learn about choices/agency and accountability?

Our son had been addicted for many years before we realized it.

Next, once we realized it, we had to admit it. Over time things didn't improve. 

Troubles increased.

For several months the three of us went to psychologist to try to learn how we could all cope and work through this situation. We learned a lot, but no significant change took place in his behavior. After six months of weekly visits the therapist told our son that everyone was working hard at his recovery, except our son. 

Things continued downhill.

Finally he was arrested----again. This time he applied to Drug Court, a tough but fantastic opportunity available here in Southern Utah.

This step was probably the most important decision he could have made. It was his admission that he needed help. Drug Court gives tools to learn to be accountable, and gives him the incentive to stay the course, because if he fails to do so there are unavoidable results.

His agency is not removed. Each day he must make the choice if he is going to continue to choose well and make the wise decisions. And if he chooses not to, the consequence is fixed. Similar to the Lord's plan of agency.

While Not Curable - Definitely Controllable (but not by us)

His acceptance into Drug Court has provided us with the opportunity to learn more of what our son is going through; to come to grips with the facts that:

1. Addiction is a hideous disease, very often with genetic predisposition.

2. That while it is not curable, it is controllable. Just like many other diseases or illnesses.

3. It is extremely hard to control, even when the intentions are the very best. Addicts cannot overcome it on their own. God, the higher power, is there to help them when they are ready for that help.

4. But it will not happen one minute before they are ready, no matter how hard we try nor how badly we want it.

He attends a number of and a variety of meetings weekly, including group sessions, private sessions, reporting to the judge, LDS 12-step programs, and a variety of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, as well as those geared to various other addictions.

There are many rules and responsibilities. They are required to become accountable in all aspects of their daily lives. 

Recovery is a life-style change. 

Recovery is a full-time, life-time effort.

It is important to note here, the addict must be ready to begin recovery and the one that must do the work. 

No matter how much we want to help, we cannot do it for them. 

We want to make it easier, but we must not. 

As stated in a previous post, we must memorize the following truth:

WE didn't causes it,
WE can't control it,
WE can't cure it.

It is also important to note that when recovery is taking place, the changes are not limited to the "recover-er."

We, as parents have spent years dealing with our child's situation. Years putting up with mental and emotional abuse, if not physical. Years being manipulated and lied to. Years of worry and sleepless nights. Years suffering guilt and anxiety. Years feeling that somehow, someway, we must be at fault.

As awful as it has been, we have become used to this way of life and this type of individual. People in recovery, although it is good, are people we don't know and are reaching levels we don't know how to relate to. As strange as it seems, we must adjust to the changes that are taking place in the life of our loved ones.

Next Post: Almost universally, when first coming together in a support group for loved ones of addicts and alcoholics, the reaction is "No, this is not for me." "My situation is different." "These are not my kind of people."

Keep Coming Back because you quickly learn ---

"We are all in this together."

Help for Loved Ones of Addicts and Alcoholics - 4

          Hard Questions and Hard Answers

"If we do not adequately discipline our children, 

society will discipline them in a way we may not like"

                                                       David O. McKay

Although they will probably never voice it, children want and need discipline.

We discipline our children because we love them and want them to succeed. Wise discipline reinforces the dimensions of eternal love. This reinforcement brings greater security into their lives.

We do our family members a terrible disservice when we do not hold them accountable for their own behavior. 

Or when things don't go the way they would like and we try to make things better. In fact we are taking from our loved one the opportunity to grow from their adversity.

THE HARD QUESTIONS

Perhaps we should ask ourselves a few questions when we consider withholding accountability

Why am I doing this?

Am I doing it for my loved one or am I doing it for me?

Am I doing it to save my pride, image or reputation?  Or the family's?

Am I doing it because it is the easy way out, rather than confronting them with their behavior and its consequences?

What good am I doing for them?

What harm am I ultimately doing to them?

What should I be doing in this situation?

Whose fault is it that they are in this situation?

Who is responsible for getting them out of it?

What harm is it doing to you to be in this situation?

What is it doing to or for your relationship with them?

What are we teaching them about agency when we try to ease or remove their accountability?

And ask yourself this question,
"Who is going to help them when I am no longer able to, and they haven't learned to do it for themselves?"

When will they learn to grow? If we enable them now, when will they learn to be accountable for their choices? When will it be too late for them to learn? 

The VERY BEST HELP you can give your loved one is: 

let them be responsible for their actions ---let them be accountable.

• We must let our loved one learn to be accountable by letting them be accountable.

• We stifle them, we inhibit their growth when we try to ease them through the tough times they have created for themselves.

• We cripple them by trying to or by removing the results of their actions.

Ordinarily, positive change will not occur until parents allow their children to experience the consequences of bad decisions.

The following is an excerpt from an Ensign magazine article.  The young man's name was changed.

Again,   

Who are we helping when we enable, remove the accountability, of      our loved ones?
How is it a help?
How are we harming them?
Are we really doing it for ourselves?
What is the good we may do by constantly helping?
What is the harm?

Actions and inaction(s) really do affect others

When there is an addict or an alcoholic in your family you definitely know there is an effect. When there is a law breaker in the family you know you are affected. When a child, teenager or adult in the home chooses to be disobedient you know there is an effect on those around. 

But if there is not an immediate, personal effect, is there no accountability?

Another problem with having an addicted loved one in the home is the damaging creation of a "wedge." Whether done purposely (which is often the case) or inadvertently by the addict, their behavior often causes parents to become at odds on the best way to help their child. One may want to offer as much help as possible while the other may want to take a "hard line."Contention often is the outcome, driving the couple apart.

THE HARD ANSWERS

It needs to be understood that I am not saying you shouldn't be helping your children and one another with legitimate needs. Obviously not. That is always appropriate. I am talking about enabling in harmful, habitual decisions.

It is when they are misbehaving they need to be disciplined. They need to be held responsible for their actions/behavior.

The value of the word NO!
What is wrong with NO? We, our society, went through a time when parents didn't want to say the "N" word to their children. I never did figure that one out. I wonder if we are experiencing the fallout from that misguided time period. Many of us  indulge ourselves regardless of our ability to meet the consequences and then indulge our children. And then we or they don't know how to face the results of the decisions that were made.

The value of consequences.
Until they come to understand that there really are consequences for actions they will continue to choose to do wrong or make wrong decisions.

Good Choices = Good Results
Bad Choices = Bad Results

The Scriptures teach us about agency and accountability: When the Children of Israel proved to the Lord that they were going to continue to make stupid decisions he was done with them. They were on their own to face the consequences.

I think there is a parallel here. I think we would be terribly remiss to "carry" our children once they have shown they won't get it together until we make (or try to make)  them get it together.

We are not our children's friend, we are their parent. We must be a friendly authoritarian. While we need to be accessible, lovable, merciful and fair, we must be the authority. The friendship part comes later.

Sometimes, even when it is not their fault they need to fix it, and work it out for themselves. To get through the adversity, to grow from the experience. We deprive them when we fix it for them.

Adversity is a necessity. We must not try to take that away from our family.

No one will learn if we don't let them. What lesson are we teaching when we take away our loved one's accountability?

We do not have the power to redeem our children from their poor choices.

People want to make choices and then they also want to choose the consequences, that is human nature.

We do a terrible disservice to our children, both young and old, when we take from them their accountability, the consequences of their actions.

When we remove any part of agency, including accountability, we are endorsing Satan's plan of taking from us our agency.

Addiction, no matter what kind of addiction, is no respecter of persons, nor respecter of position in a family. I will address that, and our efforts with our son, next Wednesday.

Help for Loved Ones of Addicts and Alcoholics - 3

A HARD and SAD TRUTH is

even when we have done our best to teach our children to choose wisely, when they are old enough to follow a path, 
even when it is the wrong path, 
they are old enough and know enough to make that choice.

They were, and are, responsible beings, responsible for the course THEY pursue, the lives THEY live and the deeds THEY do.

This is how THEY CHOOSE to use their agency.

THEY MUST BE ALLOWED TO EXPERIENCE 
THE CONSEQUENCES of their choice.

Before we get in to today's post we are repeating the warning from a previous post

What have we learned so far?

We have learned that agency is the Lord’s eternal plan.

We have learned that accountability is an integral part of that plan. There cannot exist choices without consequences. To try to separate them is Satan’s plan, not God’s plan.

So what is our responsibility in the agency/accountability aspect of the Lord’s plan?  I see it as two-fold:

First and obviously, we must make this concept live in our own lives.

Second, we must teach our children accountability.

There are four words which may be interchangeable in this discussion and I’ll use each of them:
Accountability (obviously)
Consequences
Results
Responsibility

We must teach our children from a young age that they must be responsible for their actions. From the breaking of family rules to the breaking of family standards to the breaking of laws to the breaking of the commandments.

We must begin to teach them at an early age. In fact the teaching should begin as soon as they are able to understand. Thus it becomes a part of them. I realize that our expectation of a two-year-old is not the same as a six-year-old or a twelve-year old, but each is capable of learning at their own level of understanding.

I assure you, the longer we wait to teach them the more difficult will be the task. We should not wait until they are eight-years-old or teenagers or, in way too many cases, until they are well into adulthood to teach them. If we do so we have given ourselves and our children an onerous task.

How will our children learn accountability if we do not teach them and if we do not hold them accountable for the things which they do or fail to do?

The Lord has given us that responsibility:

Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old he will not depart from it.

Doctrine and Covenants 93:40
But I have commanded you to bring up your children in light and truth.

How do we teach our children this concept?

We teach them by setting boundaries, establishing rules, having expectations, and making our children adhere to these rules, etc. When they fail to comply, there must be consequences. We are not doing our children any favors when we fail to hold them responsible for their actions, or in many cases, in-actions.

Previously we gave you the alarming message from Dr. Ray Johnson, PhD, a clinical counselor and professor at North Texas State University: It is worth repeating.

“The most prevalent form of child abuse in this country is the failure of parents to discipline* their children.”

*Too often we think punish when we see or hear the word discipline. The Webster’s Dictionary defines discipline as training that develops self-control, character, orderliness, efficiency,obedience, and acceptance of authority.

And it is worthy of our consideration!  Have we unintentionally fallen into this category?

We must teach our families the accountability of agency and we must let them experience the consequences of improper choices or we are cheating them.

In fact, whose plan are we following when we remove or try to remove our loved one’s accountability?

Do we try avoid to it for ourselves by making someone else responsible for our actions?

To try to avoid accountability or to try and remove accountability for someone else is contrary to the Lord’s plan.

You know we cannot redeem or remove from our loved ones the consequences of their actions. That is not within our power.

If we don’t teach them and let them be accountable, all we are doing is postponing the inevitable. For they are learning habits and traits which they will some day have to pay for. Because ultimately, they cannot avoid the consequences for their actions.

It may seem to you that it is a hard thing to teach young children to be accountable for their actions.

It does require effort and time on our part.

I assure you, it is a much harder thing to try to teach them when they are  teenagers or adults.

Tomorrow* we will tackle the HARD QUESTIONS AND . . .THE HARD ANSWERS.

Please “hang in there” and keep coming back.

*Dave and I have made two important decisions.  

1. We feel that if this material is needed by you and helping you we need to bring it to you more than once a week. Beginning today we will post "Help" Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays.  

There will be 8 more posts, followed by a final wrap up with updates, insights, and final observations from Dave.

2. The end of the "Help" series will also signal the end of The Creative Cheapskate.   The time has come for me to move on to other "adventures" and responsibilities. 

I have written almost 400 posts on a wide variety of subjects. I hope they have been helpful, useful and, hopefully at times, even enjoyable. I have learned a lot as I have tried to help you.

Since the net is full of zillions of resources covering many of the same or similar subjects that I have covered  I know I am definitely not leaving anyone "hanging."  Whatever help you need on whatever subject you need help with, that help is there with just a few strokes in the search box. 

The Creative Cheapskate has had over 25,000 "hits."  I don't know exactly what that means or how it is determined but I am grateful for what I take it to mean---that my offerings have been beneficial to some of you, wherever you are throughout our wide, wonderful, world. 

Keep the faith. Keep up the good works that you are doing. Keep putting one step in front of the other, and most importantly, keep picking yourself up if you stumble. 

And please, 

Always Remember. . .

Each of you is a child of our Heavenly Father. He knows you. He loves you. He is with you every step of your way.  All you need to do is 

• simply acknowledge Him, 
• simply pray to Him,
• simply seek Him, 
• simply try to do your very best, taking one step at a time, even when it is hard and discouraging. 
• simply turn your life and your burdens over to Him,  

It really is that simple, I promise.

You are doing a great work. 

Don't beat yourself up, don't let anyone else beat you up, and don't let the world beat you up. 

Thanks for "listening"  to me these past 33 months.

It has been fun.

I  am, and will continue to be, Simply, Gail

Owen and Haatchi . . . a must see short video

Please spend nine minutes watching the heartwarming story of how a young boy with an extremely rare illness and a three-legged, previously abused dog "found" each other and gave each other new life.

If you are like me, those nine short minutes will make your day!










I am sorry but I don't know how to add this as a link you can just click on to open, so please take the extra minute to copy and paste the link, and when the article(s) come up, simply open the video. I am sure you will be glad you did.

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865596529/How-a-dog-tied-to-a-train-track-and-a-boy-with-a-rare-condition-saved-each-other.html

                       Love is Spoken Here!