Raising Resilient Children - Part 2

How well children respond to setbacks depends largely on how well their parents helped them develop the attitudes and the skills of resilience.
                                                                                      Lyle J. Burrup, LDS Family Services

Lessons of Resilience from Childhood

—Lyle J. Burrup

When I was a child, many adults in my life—parents, neighbors, teachers, and Church leaders—taught me and my brother and sisters the following lessons. These five principles may be helpful for your children:

1. 1. 
   Paying the price for privileges.
   I knew that freedom to play with my friends in the coming days depended on whether or not I came home on time.
2. 2. 
   The law of the harvest.
   If I wanted money, I had to deliver the newspapers for my route and collect the money each month.
3. 3. 
   Personal accountability and responsibility.
   I had to complete my own homework, science fair projects, and merit badges.
4. 4. 
   The law of restitution.
   I could make up for misbehavior by apologizing and repairing the wrong. My parents sometimes suggested that I complete extra chores, such as pulling weeds.
5. 5. 
   Learning from mistakes.
   If I made my bed poorly, did not wash the dishes properly, or did not pull weeds properly, I had to redo these tasks correctly.
   
   
   
   Recommendations for Raising Capable, Resilient Children
                                             
   While parenting requires a personalized approach for each child, some principles seem to be nearly universal. The following principles have proven effective.
   
   
                    STOP  THIS BEHAVIOR  --- 
                                 MOVE FORWARD WITH THIS BEHAVIOR --- 
                                                ACHIEVE THIS RESULT ---
   Instead of Doing This . . .Set random or arbitrary rules and consequences.
   Do This . . .Discuss rules and set logical consequences that are reasonable, related to the behavior, and respectful of both parent and child.
   And Get This Result . . . Children know what to expect and learn that choices have consequences.
   
   
   
   Instead of Doing This . . .Allow children to avoid the consequences of their choices.
   Do This . . .Allow children to experience natural and logical consequences of their choices.
   And Get This Result . . . Children learn accountability and responsibility for their choices.
   
   
   Instead of Doing This . . .Giving mostly correction.
   Do This . . .Give mostly praise. Celebrate small steps in the right direction.
   And Get This Result . . . Children learn what parents want. They feel encouraged, worthwhile, and appreciated.
   
   
   Instead of Doing This . . .Be arbitrary and inconsistent in requiring obedience.
   Do This . . .Consistently offer desirable rewards for the actions and behaviors you would like to reinforce.
   And Get This Result . . . Children learn that they don’t have to want to do hard things; they just have to do them.
   
   
   Instead of Doing This . . .Praise only outcomes.
   Do This . . .Praise for effort regardless of outcome.
   And Get This Result . . . Children feel encouraged, confident, and more willing to take on challenges.
   
   
   Instead of Doing This . . .Send the message to children that their self-worth depends on outcomes.
   Do This . . .Tell children they have inherent worth because they are sons or daughters of God and have divine potential.
   And Get This Result . . . Self-worth will be attached to the child’s eternal potential instead of temporary success or failure.
   
   
   Instead of Doing This . . .Talk about failures or successes as being connected to luck or talent.
   Do This . . .Define failure as temporary and an opportunity to learn. Define success as a product of hard work and sacrifice.
   And Get This Result . . . Children are less discouraged by or afraid of setbacks and are more willing to be persistent.
   
   
   Instead of Doing This . . .Try to solve children’s problems by giving them all the answers.
   Do This . . .Help children (1) identify what happened, (2) analyze what contributed to the outcome, and (3) identify what they can do to avoid this problem next time.
   And Get This Result . . . Children develop perceptions of being capable, will address and solve their problems, and will see that they have control in their lives and can overcome challenges.
   
   
   Instead of Doing This . . .Make children feel dumb by criticizing them, their efforts, and their accomplishments.
   Do This . . .Listen and be supportive and encouraging so your children will want to come to you again for help.
   And Get This Result . . . Children feel more comfortable discuss their mistakes and problems with you.
   
   the above is from the March 2013 issue of the Ensign magazine published by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  To view, or listen, to the article:
   http://www.lds.org/ensign/2013/03/raising-resilient-children?lang=eng